Dear Professor Snape
by RedStarsa
Summary: A Hufflepuff girl has been in love with our favorite potions master since she first laid eyes on him. Her stolen glances & careful stalking have gone unnoticed for over three years until a new professor shows up to ruin everything. Worse is that her & professor Snape seem to be on friendly terms. Our Hufflepuff heroine will have to do something to get this wench out of the way.
1. The Man In Black

**Greetings; so even though I'm a veteran at writing this is my first Harry Potter Fanfic so please be gentle in that regard. I will gladly take any corrections though. Thanks for taking the time to read I appreciate it.  
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_**Brief summary; Robin Ryen falls madly in love with our favorite potions master the moment she lays eyes on him. To her dismay she is not placed in Slytherin as she had hoped but pledges to do everything she can to be in his favor. However all is not well when at the beginning of her 4th year a new professor arrives at Hogwarts and is WAY too close to Professor Snape than Robin is comfortable with. She will have to deal with this swiftly before things get out of hand. ** _

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><p><em>"I assure you professor, I say this with absolute conviction that no one, no one loves Professor Severus Snape like I do. You cannot understand my feelings for him. They are not the silly flutters that most girls my age feel. It is pure, it is unconditional it is unwavering. Whatever you think you feel for him, it is dwarfed by my devotion to him. So do not patronize me with your weak assessment of my love in exchange for infatuation."<em>

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><p>I died the day I was sorted into Hufflepuff. No…well yes for some of the reasons you're probably thinking. Hufflepuff isn't known for being brave, clever, or intelligent. No, we are kind, dedicated, and patient. Not exactly traits to boast about or be proud of. It took me until my second year to accept that I was Hufflepuff through and through. No matter how much I tried to deny it. Both my elder sister and brother were sorted into Ravenclaw and Gryfinndor respectively. Our family has always been a bit of a mixed bag when it came to sorting. Yet I was the only one to receive a condolences letter from my uncle upon hearing which house I was placed into. Arrogant Gryfinndor.<p>

Right I'm rambling. My distain for my house came later. Though as I've said now as a fourth year I accept it. I even quite like my house. When you're an emotional hurricane like me it's good to have like minded people to surround yourself with. The glamour of Hogwarts wore off on me from my siblings incessantly going on about its wondrous halls and gorgeous grounds. I had seen the pictures and heard all the stories. From the ghosts to the moving staircases I knew all there was about the blasted place before I ever step foot off the train.

There are few moments in life that we recall with perfect clarity. Ones we repeat in our minds so many times it barely requires concentration. Most students remember their first time walking up the grand staircase just before the dinner hall. The anticipation of which house you'll be defined as. Meeting your other classmates and the staff members for the first time. No, for me none of those things mattered. I was pushed to the front of the crowd and although my shy nature at the time wished to slink back behind the taller first years until a commanding voice snapped us all to attention. All at once everyone stopped to see the owner of this deep drawl.

"Seize your pushing and shoving." He didn't have to yell, his tone convinced us all he wasn't to be tested. "Now then, there are four houses. Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, Gryfinndor, and my house Slytherin. You will be sorted into the house that suits you. No arguing with the sorting hat, we haven't time for that. Follow me, quietly."

My heart exploded three times over in the small amount of time between walking from the stairs to the end of the great hall. I screamed inside myself, begging the universe to place me in his house. I had never been in love before but I imagined this is what it felt like. I watched his every movement and gesture. His straight expression holding all of the greatest mysteries, every inch of him covered in black. His eyes, they hid so much from the world but even then as a mere eleven year old I sensed they had seen compassion. Long ago perhaps, but it was there. I pledged to myself that I would dedicate myself to learning all I could about this man, how to make him happy, proud even!

Yes, even then it occurred to me that he was a teacher and the chances of an ounce of my feelings being reciprocated where about as likely as Sirius Black being released on parole. It didn't matter, as long as I could be near him. That would be enough, it would have to be.

"Robin Ryen." He said my name. I stepped tentatively to the stool, I found strength when my eyes connected with his. He nodded his head and I sat down. I was certain that everyone could hear my heart thrashing around in my chest. I was sure I would slip off of the seat with all the sweat pouring out of me. The hat was placed on my head. It wiggled and mumbled its ponderings.

"Ahh…" he grumbled. "Another Ryen hmmm very different from the other two. Touch of Ravenclaw to be sure but I think…oh yes there it is. Hufflepuff!"

My brother who was two years ahead of me could be heard howling with laughter. He had teased me that I would be Slytherin or Hufflepuff. In my defense he did have a fifty percent chance of being right either way. But it still hurt that in the brief silence after the sorting hat made his decision everyone could hear my dear brother Sebastian taking amusement in this wretched hell I was now in. I looked up at my mystery man and wanted to cry. He tilted his head over to the table on the far side of the hall.

"Go on then." His voice held softness, more than to the others who had lingered. "Go join your classmates." Had he not spoken to me I probably would have gawked in horror the whole night. I slumped over to the table and veterans of Hufflepuff patted my shoulder. As if they knew the disappointment running through me. They assured me it would be alright and that Hufflepuff was really a great house. But they didn't understand. I knew nothing about any of the houses except bits of what my siblings told me. Truthfully before this moment I didn't care which house I was put into. All of that changed the moment I saw him.

All throughout dinner I ignored the headmaster's announcement and other introductions of the staff. My attention was focused on the emotionless man in black. He barely talked throughout dinner, he ate very little, drank mostly and kept himself in his thoughts. Finally my eyes had been torn away from him by a second year.

"Did you hear me Robin?"

"Huh?!" I exclaimed a little too loudly.

"I said don't worry about the other houses. We all have our strengths you'll see."

"Oh yeah…" I said trying to slowly find my way back to him without it seeming too obvious.

"What subject do you fancy?" She asked me. Regrettably I could only keep him in my peripheral vision for now.

"That teacher over there." I pointed to my prince. "What subject does he teach?"

"You mean Snape?" _ Snape _oh he was a Slytherin. "Gods you'd do well stay away from him."

"Why?"

"Bitter that one. Wants to teach defense against the dark arts but he always gets stuck with potions. Rubbish professor if you ask me." I hadn't asked her, but either way I didn't care for her opinion.

"Rubbish? Why?"

"He's not the nicest fellow, and his grading curve is murder. It's a wonder any of us pass his class." Nonsense! He just has high expectations. And why not? These wizards and witches would be the future; he couldn't allow them to slide by with mediocre skills. Not with his reputation on the line. He had to expect the best from them. The others, they were just lazy or didn't have a passion for potions. Either way it made no never mind to me. It was decided, I would not sleep until my entire potions text book was in my brain. I'm sure the second year tried to regain my focus but this time I didn't hide my indifference towards her.

As expected I did not sleep well that night. Aside from me reading my potions textbook almost twice over, the churning in my stomach would have kept me awake all the same. Sadly my schedule was as follows; Transfiguration, Charms, Flying, Lunch, History of magic, Study hall and then finally Potions. I would have to wait all day to see him. Then again I heard from some of the other students that he occasionally looked over study hall in the afternoons. I had also learned his first name, _Severus. _Regardless of who said it, my ears became warm and my heart beat with anxiety.

As first days go it was uneventful. I had a moment to collect myself once study hall came. My sister Lena shared this period with me. As a fourth year she was taking a lot of advanced classes and so took on study hall to catch up on her work. She asked how things were going and I did my best to hide the wild excitement rushing through me to get to potions. I assured her all was well and only requested we leave a few minutes early so that I could get to my next class on time.

"Potions huh?" I nodded hoping she didn't have any harsh words to professor Snape. "Sure I'll show you where it is."

"Lena…is professor Snape as bad as they say?"

"Huh? Oh no he's not all that bad. I mean he's tough but as long as you show you want to learn seriously he'll usually cut you a break."

"You mean like ask questions, stay after class and all that?"

"Yeah, he has decent office hours before and after dinner. So as long as you're respectful he won't mind you stopping by." Perfect. He would know my dedication to the beautiful art of potions. Any extra energy I had would be for the betterment and advancement of my knowledge in his class. As promised Lena escorted me to potions. The classroom was empty except for him. Lena knocked on the door. Without looking up he acknowledged us.

"Yes Miss Ryen, what can I do for you?" He resumed writing in a black notebook until we had reached the front of his desk did he look up. "Ah, the Hufflepuff girl." He said slowly.

"Afternoon Professor Snape. This is my little sister Robin. She wanted to be sure she got here on time."

"Well, at least one of your siblings understands the importance of punctuality. That's more than I can say for your brother." His voice had a subtle softness in between the sarcasm.

"Alright little Robin I'm off to quidditch. I'll see you later."

Somehow, I'm not sure how I managed to keep my mouth from gawking and I sat myself the second seat in the front row. It was the perfect angle to see him while using the excuse of watching the board. Much of my first year was spent this way. Me agonizing until it was time to go to potions. Sitting there ten minutes before class was to begin. When most students were using the loo or messing around in the courtyards. I was there in Professor Snape's domain waiting to learn from his brilliant mind. Sometimes I was there even before he was. He never said anything about my early arrivals. A few times when I was sitting outside waiting for the classroom to be opened he would snort as though he shouldn't have been surprised but always was.

I found out just how difficult it was to be considered a potions master. It was a very expansive subject that required many years of study to even be adept. My admiration for him only grew every time I read about potions that required delicate precision with ingredients, the complexity of temperature and mixing properties. If overlooked would give you an entirely different result. It took patience, knowledge and passion to create an effective potion.

I dreaded holidays and time away from school. Aside from my intense love of Severus Snape, I did truly enjoy school. I felt my housemates were closer to me than someone of my family members and other than potions I thoroughly looked forward to charms class as well.

But now we're here at the beginning of my fourth year. When the announcement was made that Professor Flitwick would be taking an extended leave of absence and another professor would be assuming his position of head of Ravenclaw house.

I knew little about this woman; her name was Eva Vaustali she specialized in charms, which meant she would be my new teacher in that as well. But it didn't matter because all I could focus on was that she sat next to professor Snape during dinner. I watched them the entire time. She mostly talked but he was engaging in conversation. I even noticed a twinge of a smile on his lips. Something I had only witnessed as a smirk or victory over a student's ignorance. I knew little about this woman, but what I did know was that I hated her.

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><p><strong>This was supposed to be a oneshot but I think I'll see where it goes.<strong>


	2. Lemon Tea and Ghosts

**Hey friends. Thanks for the love so far. Now onto part Deux.**

Now I know what you're thinking, it was childish and petty to hate a woman who for all reason had a lot in common with me. At least on the surface. She could never share the same depth of love I have for him. I knew from the moment at the top of the stairs that I could never have Severus Snape the way I wanted him. His professionalism would never allow a break in conduct. He was better than that. So why then did I despise this woman who I could never truly compete with?

Simple, envy.

Also it didn't help that everyone loved her! Her stupid smile and long beautiful blond hair. She was just so nice and her lectures on the progressive charm's theory was so engaging to everyone! Personally I thought many of her key concepts lacked any logical evidence. Which said a lot about someone who was running Ravenclaw. Her tattoos weren't looked at with deviance and unprofessional but an intriguing free spirit. I hope that Severus wasn't so taken with such ridiculous things. Excuse me, professor Snape.

ARUGH! I bet she calls him Severus all the time. Stupid colleague status. Why ever was I cursed to be introduced to the love of my life and be vastly younger than he? If time travel wasn't so dangerous I would highly consider ensuring I was a classmate of my beloved.

Now I know I'm not alone in this inequitable hatred of mine. At some point in your lifetime you have encountered someone and from the very beginning you just knew you didn't like them. Something, subtle and not able to put into words but for certain there was a quality in them that enraged you. Granted, professor Vaustali had the unlucky position of also fancying the same man as me, no I don't fancy him, I breathe him. Yet I have a feeling that her over cheery attitude and whimsical demeanor would drive me nuts with or without her good taste in men.

I couldn't concentrate in study hall. Dear professor Vaustali was overseeing this afternoon. She walked over to each table, hovering over everyone's notebook asking if they needed help. Bah, what a condescending bitch. Of course when she reached me I pretended to be so engrossed in my studies that she assumed my lack of acknowledgment was due to focus and not rudeness. How daft she was, couldn't even see my seething hatred for her.

I excused myself early from study hall and made my way to potions. Though it wasn't favorable at first, I preferred to have potions at the end of the day. It made all of the other classes worth it. Something to look forward to, plus if I had it any earlier in the day my brain would be completely useless.

Before entering I hid myself in part of the doorway and watched him in solitude for a while. Call me creepy if you want but I find that a person is the most honest when they are alone. I savored these few moments where I could see him this way. He sat at his desk, facing the window. His eyes drifted from one side of the book to the other. It was still rather warm outside and so he had the window open to the breeze. It caught his attention, he lifted his head and gazed to the courtyard. It was serene to see him so relaxed and admiring nature.  
>"Miss Ryen." I gasped and sheepishly inched into his line of sight. "Have you nothing better to do then gawk in doorways?" His eyes never left his book.<p>

"My apologizes professor, I just didn't want to disturb you." I stood there awkwardly, waiting for him insult me for being so foolish.

"I always expect you at this hour. Sit." As if I had a choice with his commanding voice. After I had settled my things I browsed through last night's reading assignment. "Miss Ryen, have you given any thought to the assignment I discussed last class?"

"You mean the one where we will create our own potion by the end of the year?"

"The same."

"Well yes sir."

"And..?"

"I have a few ideas but I feel like I need to do some extensive research to decide on one concept."

"That is wise. Unlike most of your classmates, you understand that potions has a complexity beyond most magic. It relies entirely on the creator."

My throat ran dry. These words, I had to memorize them. The inflection in his voice and the tone. I scribbled them down as fast as I could. Hopefully I remembered the correct sequence and exact wording. While my classmates filtered into their seats I did my best to remember everything about this moment. The time of day, any peculiar smells, what the entire conversation was about, how was my hair? Down? Tied back? No it was in a bun I remember now. I hadn't washed it since the day before so I kept it up.

Regrettably it was difficult to focus on the remainder of the lecture. With only half hour to go professor Snape gave us class work and released us upon completion. I of course, did my best to linger as long as possible. Until she had to ruin it. Myself and two other students remained with only fifteen minutes left of class. Professor Vaustali lightly knocked on the open classroom door. She was acknowledged by professor Snape and so she approached his desk. Blocking my view of him.

"Professor Snape! How are you faring this afternoon?" He raised his brow, assessing the legitimacy of her behavior.

"Fair enough. What can I do for you?" his voice sang in that beautiful monotone drawl.

"I was hoping that since this is your last class you may be able to help me with a little project."

"I'm sure you're aware that my schedule has little room for the luxury of side projects." Hehe, that's right, he has more important things to do than watch your failed attempts at wooing him.

"I understand. Its just there is a potions element to one of the charms I'll be discussing next week and I was hoping you would be willing to give part of the lecture. Seeing as how you're the expert." Psh, what a hussy! Trying to flatter him into doing her job!

"I'm certain you have sufficient knowledge in the matter. However…" As much as I hated to hear that word directed at her he always said it so beautifully, he made it the greatest word in all of the English language. "I can at the very least ensure your students do not destroy your classroom in the process."

"I'll take it. Thank you Severus. I really appreciate it." A smile flashed over his lips. Why was he humoring her so much? Who does she think she is?

**_ Eva_**

To say that I was happy to return to Hogwarts as a teacher was horrendously unfair. Elated was more like it. I hadn't seen the place since I graduated and thankfully not much has changed. I had been told some months ago that Severus Snape was head of Slytherin house and potions master. Fitting, he always was a genius. Ambitious and cunning, there were few secrets to him in the wizarding world. Sadly in school we didn't talk much. He was two years ahead of me and we only shared one academic class together. Despite popular opinion of him I found myself still rather fond of him. I had also heard the rumors of him being a death eater and came to find out they were vastly exaggerated.

Yet like many things about him, Severus kept his life dormant from others. It was clearly uncomfortable to him for other people to know things about him, even the simplest of things. Only a week into school I commented on how he always drank lemon tea at meal times. I inferred it was his favorite and he refused to acknowledge if my assessment was correct or not. Which of course I found endless enjoyment.

I did my best to not lead on that I was smitten with him. Severus was a complicated man and so it was difficult to tell to what extent he would allow himself that pleasure before rearing back in self punishment.

I purposely kept our time together short but frequent. Finding excuses to bother him, to sit next to him at staff meetings, perhaps even a slight graze against his shoulder. I know I know, I'm no better than a fourth year fawning over the quiddich captain. Just as the hopeless adolescent girl who hardly comprehends these feelings. The excitement that he may even, feel the same.

Perhaps these feelings would fade and my mind would occupy itself with something different soon but for now, I wanted to enjoy this. Even if it was a little self inflicted torture on my part. Not acting on these thoughts and desires of mine. I'm sure its wishful thinking but I couldn't help but think maybe he enjoyed our small encounters too. But again, it was sort of hard to tell what he was feeling at any given moment. I suppose his mastery of occlumency played a large part in that.

Early Saturday morning I found myself leaning in his office doorway. He was giving one of his Hufflepuff students feedback on her last assignment. Contrary to normal, it was for the most part quite positive. Now this may be my age getting to me but I could swear that when she had left, silly I must have imagined it but it was as though she were glaring at me. As though I had interrupted something important. Although Severus assured me they were almost finished anyway. I put the thought away when he asked me to sit.

"Tea?" He murmured, barely above a whisper.

"Oh please."

"Now why is the head of Ravenclaw slinking in my doorway on this lovely Saturday?"

"I can't visit a colleague without wanting something?"

"Hm"

"That Hufflepuff girl."

"What about her?"

"Seems odd is all. You've never cared too much for other students outside of Slytherin."

"She possesses a natural talent for potions and she works exceedingly hard at her studies. I like to encourage that even if it is outside of my house."

"I'm almost positive that she's in one of my classes but for the life of me I can't remember."

I shrugged and watched as Severus raised his brow inquisitively but kept his question silent. Had this encounter been an isolated incident I probably would not have been the wiser. At any given time I went to see the potions expert that Hufflepuff girl was without fail there too. Lagging behind in the classroom, stopping by his office and yes now I was sure she was glaring at me. She was in one of my classes, second hour 4th year charms.

Upon reflection I realized she had barely said two words to me all semester. Had I done something to offend her? I had been curious so the following Monday I had asked her to stay after class for a moment. Instead of approaching my desk as most students would she kept her distance at her seat. Third row last seat to the left.

"Miss Ryen do you know why I've asked you to stay?" She just shook her head. "Does it comfort you to know you're not in trouble?"

"A bit confused." She was cross with me, her voice normally soft and patient, this tone was eager to get out of here.

"I was hoping you could tell me what I did wrong."

"Excuse me professor?"

"It just seems that you're a bit angry with me. Did I say something or unfairly grade you?"

She dropped her head down to her desk, her eyes searched for an answer in the smooth wood underneath her fidgeting hands.

"No professor." She looked up, but only after her declaration. "Charms just isn't my favorite class so sometimes its hard for me to stay focused."

She was a good liar I'll give her that. Whatever it was I decided not to press the matter any further. Passive aggressive yes but she was still respectful and I suppose I couldn't expect every student to like me. I dismissed her and assured her she could talk with me if she needed to. It was a courtesy for me to make such an offer. I can't imagine she would take me up on it.

_**Robin**_  
>While I had many friends in Hufflepuff and the other houses there was no one I could truly converse with about this type of situation. At least no one alive. Myrtle received me as always in the lavatory. Her incorporeal form slouching in the high window, grinning as I stormed in.<br>"Whats the matter now little Robin?"

"This new professor, shes…"

"She's what?" Myrtle floated down lazily and circled me, waiting for a response.

"She annoys me. More than that, every time I look at her sunshine face I want to lob a brick at it!"

"Surely a fourth year has more creativity than that." She giggled and whisked herself over the sinks.

"You're saying I should use magic against her? Against a Hogwarts professor? Don't be stupid Myrtle."

"Silly mortal. That's not what I was getting at."

"What then?"

Myrtle dramatically laid back with her hand on her forehead letting out a heavy sigh.  
>"You fancy potions right? Probably even better than professor sunshine. Bet she wouldn't notice if you got it in her tea." Myrtle covered her mouth as the scandalous idea came out of it.<p>

"Hmm maybe, but it would have to be something harmless."

"If you say so." Myrtle teased. "Oh you know I just heard the most interesting news."

"Oh?"

"Rumor has it that Sirius Black has escaped from Azkaban."

"What did you say?!" My heart stopped and than revived itself into a frenzy.

"The one who led you know who to the Potter's. He escaped."

Okay so it wasn't like he got paroled or anything but it was as close as I was going to get. Perhaps I could find a way to professor Severus Snape's heart after all. It was a long shot but then so was escaping Azkaban.

_**So thats that. I do plan on challenging myself with the next chapter being in Severus' POV. We'll see. Haha.**_


	3. Ashes of an Old Flame

**Phew this one took a minute. The following songs were abused during the creation of this chapter; "born mitis ft collin McLaughlin" and "When I'm small". Both hypnotic in their own right. Check em out if you want. Just so you know no plot is accomplished in this chapter. : D**

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_**Robin**_  
>As if I didn't have enough going on, studying for midterms, working on my original potion oh and how could I forget trying to poison my charms professor. I'm horrible. Perhaps poison was a strong word, its not like I wanted to kill her just somehow make her undesirable to professor Snape. As it were I wasn't having much luck with that either. All the books I had tore through tended to land on either end of the extreme. Either a petty transfiguration potion that would wear off in a matter of hours or one that would cause real damage. Part of me wanted to give up on my silly scheme and focus on professor Snape's assignment.<p>

Then again…

I saw them together more and more. Professor Snape was a solitary man, never stepping outside of his classroom or quarters unless necessary. Half way through my first year I learned most of his routine. Monday through Friday he wakes at about five thirty. Weather permitting he steps out to the courtyard. Sometimes he walks, other times he sits on the stone bench and stares at the morning sky. He returns to his quarters and makes breakfast. Professor Snape doesn't have much of an appetite, his meals are usually very light. Morning meals are nothing more than tea and toast. He teaches class all morning, beginning potions his first hour, then intermediate for the next three.

Lunch tends to varies but his favorite; tomato bisque with a toasted cheese and ham sandwich. Again he does this in the privacy of his quarters. After lunch hour if its Monday, Wednesday or Friday the rest of the day are his two advanced potions class. On Tuesdays he has a free period and Thursdays he oversees study hall. Dinner, when he has it, is a wild card. Typically it's the only meal he eats in the great hall. Even so he hardly touches the food in front of him, usually sticking with tea or on occasion wine.

On weekends his office was kept open from nine in the morning to eleven. Generally if there wasn't quiddich or staff meetings he kept himself in his quarters. Oddly enough on holidays and in the summer he would leave the school. I don't know why but I always assumed he would stay and continue working on stocking the infirmary. Yet every chance there was he was gone from Hogwarts.

Right, so now all of the sudden he was taking walks between classes, and not just with professor Vaustali. Professor Sprout could sometimes be seen taking a stroll. Granted, professor Snape stayed quiet most of the time still, he walked with them. The charms master was already digging her 'raven' claws into him.

You may think I'm overreacting and that this behavior could be out of politeness or good manners. But if you knew professor Snape as I did you would realize that he has never had a reason to prove anything to anyone. He talked when he wanted to, said the first thing on his mind never sheltering anyone from whatever truth he gave them. If he truly did not want to join professor Vaustali in between classes gallivanting around he wouldn't have.

Perhaps she had used some kind of spell on him. No, he'd never fall for that. Something was amiss that I knew for certain. But what I could not say. The situation was becoming more complicated now since she somehow knew I did not like her. Hufflepuff honesty forces us to wear our thoughts on our faces. Deceit wasn't in my nature but I was working on it for certain circumstances.

I was determined to have some kind of solution before Christmas break which was coming up faster than I would have liked. It was already December first and I was running out of time. Now most of my free time went to the library instead of trailing behind professor Snape. Which meant the time we were together were even more valuable.  
>"What ya reading?" I shot up from my head plastered on the desk. Cedric startled me. He chuckled and sat down taking my book from underneath my folded arms. "Art of undetectable magic. Hmmm, seems a bit advanced for a fourth year." I frowned briefly and reached for the book which he pulled further away from me.<p>

"I'm trying to get ahead. Besides you're only one year ahead of me!" He thumbed through the pages until he reached where I had left off.

"Ahh potions section eh? Now it makes sense. I hear you're pretty good at brewing." He smiled and slid the book back to me, which I held close to my chest.

"I'm alright I suppose."

"Figure you'll be able to give professor Snape a run for his money by now."

"Come on Cedric. It takes more than four years to master the delicate art of potions." Had I been a normal girl with normal feelings I probably would be falling over myself for this type of conversation with Cedric Diggory. While Cedric was a handsome boy he was only that to me, a boy. He tapped me on the shoulder before rushing off to meet his closer friends. We exchanged pleasant farewells and finally I was alone once more.

I had fallen asleep and woke up to a dream. A soft light from the tip of a wand glowed as a gentle hand nudged me awake. Even with my eyes closed I could see the white glow and slowly opened my eyes.  
>"What time is it?" I mumbled.<p>

"Nearly ten." I snapped out of my drowsy state and hoped desperately that I hadn't been drooling. Professor Snape released the light and allowed it to hover over me. I shuffled to my feet and would have fallen on my face had he not grabbed my arm in time. "Looks as though your legs haven't woken up yet."

"Professor Snape! I'm sorry I didn't mean to fall asleep here…of all places." I rubbed my eyes, trying to capture everything in my mind. He, as always, was dressed in his tight black jacket, every button tightly together. The cloak however was absent. Professor Snape set me against the table to regain my balance.

"Once you've gotten control of your legs, you should return to your common room." All I could do was nod. Leaning against the desk I shook out my legs until I could feel them again. "Curious thing…"

"I'm sorry sir?"

"You, being in the library on a Friday night."

"I hadn't mean to fall asleep." I smiled weakly. Even now I'm not sure how long it lasted but there was a moment where in I was allowed to gaze in his eyes and they in turn looked back at me. Black and never ending as the universe he kept his focus to me. What the intentions of his stare were I do not know, I did not care, only that it was on me. To this day I feel I revealed too much of myself in our optical connection.

He tapped my foot with his boot. "Better?"

"Yes." He had turned his attention to my feet but I kept still. Without looking at me directly he turned around and made his way to the entrance.

"I expect you to be in bed in ten minutes. That glowing orb will tell me if you are not."

I looked up at my guide who would stick to me as promised until I stepped foot back into Hufflepuff common room. When I had given the password to our painting the light dimmed until it was completely gone. Silly as it was I felt a little sad when it had disappeared. I had only stayed up another hour to finish the chapter on undetectable potions. Perhaps I needed sleep. Maybe then my mind would piece together something coherent thought that would actually help. Not bothering to traverse downstairs I stretched out on the couch and drifted to sleep.

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_**Severus**_  
>This was the second night I had the dream. At least in succession. Every few months it would shove itself into my thoughts but this was the first it had done so as often. It annoyed me. I had fallen asleep on the couch again, the fire barely alive but still warm. It cracked as parts of the wood collapsed on the flames. I opted to stay on my back a while longer, the last glass of wine had been a little heavier than I expected.<p>

There was little variation to this dream of mine, which by the way was the only one I remembered. Laying on our backs by the lake, the grass soft and damp. It soaked into our clothes but we didn't mind. At least I didn't. Petals and leaves all dancing in the wind. Perhaps it was more of a memory than a dream.

I sat up, holding my head as though that would stop the pounding raging against my skull. As though on cue my door echoed a knock. Gentle but incessant until answered. I got to my feet, sluggishly making my way to the door. I opened it the way I always do, just enough so that my body stood barrier to the door and the frame. It was Lupin. He smiled briefly and when it was not returned he chuckled.  
>"Good evening Severus."<p>

"Lupin…" I sighed and turned away leaving the door open, I knew what he wanted. Thankfully he spared our conversation with false pleasantries. The silence only broken by my search of the slender tube that contained his salvation. Wolf's bane was exceedingly difficult to make, although not time consuming luckily for him.

"Thank you." He said as I handed it off to him. He uncorked it and drank it down quickly. From what I'm told it wasn't a very good taste but supposing the alternative it was well received. He placed himself in the armchair close to the fire. "I really am grateful for your help Severus."

"I assure you, that if your condition only brought great pain and were not a danger to my students I would have slammed the door first week of term." Somehow I convinced myself another glass of wine was in order.  
>"<em>Your<em> students?" He said with deep amusement._** Yes my students**_. He'd only been teaching half a year and he dared mock my possessive feelings for them.

"Yes." I said slowly. He smiled and laid back in the chair.

"I know, its risky. But Dumbledore asked me." He looked to the fireplace. "You see it don't you Severus?"

"See what?"

"Harry…he has her eyes. You see it, I know you do."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"That's why you pretend to hate him so much. I know James never did you any favors in school but Harry is more like his mother than you realize."

"Get out." Had it been Black or Potter I would have had to resort to a curse or worse, bear repeating. Lupin however did not require further instruction. He said good night and left me the door just barely open.

More than once I had been grateful for Saturdays. This was one such occasion. Now sober I remembered that I had one less bottle in my cabinet. No matter, the term was only a couple weeks from being over. My weak stomach writhed until I persuaded myself some toasted bread and tea. Seems old remedies live on to be old for a reason.

I felt a lot better although still tired. I contemplated retreating to bed until I felt reasonable enough to present myself at dinner. Delightful as it sounded, it was not practical. Exams were lurking and surely my office would be flooded with first years and Miss Ryen of course. Not that she needed any assistance from me, it was convenient to have her answer obvious questions that I would hardly dignify with a response.

If nights like this were to continue on in my age she would prove useful as a professor's assistant. Though it may be difficult to convince Albus. Those positions were usually only granted to sixth years and above. Although I'm sure if I expressed enough desire he would make an exception.

I dreaded who lay on the other side of the door as it banged for my attention. I twisted my wrist and effortlessly the door came open. "Severus?" Vaustali shuffled inside and shut the door behind her. "Had a bit of a party?" She snickered, no doubt noting the empty bottle on the coffee table.

"Not all that exciting I'm afraid." Vaustali slumped in the same armchair that Lupin sat in the night before. She carried a white paper bag and from it presented a danish. Without her wand she had it glide over to me. The thought of fried pastry coated in nearly liquid sugar reminded my stomach that it was still full of alcohol. I grimaced at the offer and gently pushed it away to float back to her. "No thanks."

"Suit yourself. Albus invited me for tea." She'd barely swallowed her mouthful before speaking.

"He does enjoy his tea."

"Want to come?'

"What for?"

"I donno, company I suppose." This woman was perplexing. I was certain she was never short of company, decent one at that and yet she insisted on prancing around my doorways and dragging me out into sunlight.

I assumed her attention to me was a direct result in her need for an expert in potions for the 'gilhanas' charm. To be perfectly frank it seemed a waste to use the valuable ingredients required to brew a potion that would enable the consumer to talk to plants and fish. Then again she and Sprout were kindred spirits. Yet weeks after that lesson she continued to take the empty seat next to me. Some irritating compulsion forced me to oblige her at every turn. At the very least she provided mildly interesting conversation.

"I can't say for certain my schedule will be open."

"Oh I wouldn't worry about that. Last quidditch game of the semester is today. Gryffindor and Hufflepuff. I expect almost everyone will be there, Hufflepuff has been giving the lions a hard time lately."

"My office closes at eleven, time permitting I may stop in."

"Sounds lovely."

**Alright peeps, hopefully I can keep the inspiration going. We'll see. Thanks again for your support. **


	4. Right Place, Wrong Time

**Hey friends! Thanks again for the continued support, a lot of switching back and forth perspectives in this one. Hopefully the artistic value of it will outweigh any confusion. Alright lets do this!**

_**Robin**_

__I jolted awake from a half remembered nightmare and then calmed as I realized it was Saturday morning. The common room was abandoned save for me of course and it was eerily quiet. Perhaps everyone had just gone to an early breakfast or was still asleep. I squinted my eyes at the early sun which for winter, was quite this high for the time of the day. Odd.

I glanced down at my watched and right then the nightmare returned. It was just after ten in the morning! Which meant that professor Snape's office had already been open for an hour and I was here sleeping! I hadn't missed a Saturday session since I was in my second year and I had terrible stomach flu.

I hurried to tie my hair back and clamor into some decent clothing. How could I have slept in?! Why didn't anyone wake me up? Then I realized today was the last quidditch match and everyone had probably left early. Even still the jerks could have given me a nudge! I blasted out of the dorms and rushed up the stair way and through the halls I carried myself in a sprint.

**10:02**

_**Eva**_

__Miracle of miracles I had managed to get Severus out of his office for the morning. I convinced him that just about everyone would be at the quidditch field so it was unlikely that a student would need him. Our tea with the headmaster was brief since he too was eager to get to the match.

"Would you like to see the match?" his response was a quiet grunt and a rub of his forehead.

"Not particularly. Neither of our houses are even in the running so why bother?" I held the slight giggle under my breath. He certainly had a mind for honesty. Which gave me hope that my company was warranted, had he wanted me gone he would have said so. For a while we walked with no particular destination in mind.

"The neatre solution, do you know it?" He wrinkled his brow at the mere idea that he would not know of a potion.

"Of course."

"Would you be able to show me how to make it?"

"Why?" Our walk began to direct to his classroom.

"Professor Sprout has taken vacation early and I told her I would do my best to put her neux-nuit plant to good use before the frost gets to it."

"I suppose."

**10:07**

_**Robin**_

__While waiting for the staircases to orient themselves to a suitable path I considered my motive for racing to his classroom. I hadn't gotten much further with my original potion and so would have nothing to show for it. All of my assignments had been completed and turned in days ago, other than my need to be near him, what reason did I have for being there at all? I mean in his mind, what would be the point? It wasn't often that I was the only student who attended his Saturday study hall and since everything that could be done had been I may be revealing too much of myself by going anyway.

Finally the stairs gave me a straight path to walk through and I did so cautiously. Would he catch onto me? Would he see that my devotion to his class extended far beyond the course material? All of my affection would become transparent, a disfigured form of admiration morphed into my demented love. I don't deny that my feelings for Severus, excuse me professor Snape, are nothing short of twisted. The amount of passion that drives me to the things I do are not normal. I know this. It has been clear to me for a long time. I tried to focus on something else, a boy my age even a girl but nothing came close to the fiery intensity that burns every time I look into those deep, never ending eyes.

For no other reason than to save him from shock and my dignity I kept this, my love, my most precious secret. I had ran scenarios through my mind of someday telling him the depths of my love, yet none of them ended favorably. If I am ever to reveal myself I must be prepared for the most horrid outcome. My watch read ten minutes past the hour. Perhaps now was as good as any time.

_**Eva**_

**10:10 **

The cauldron had to boil for twenty-two minutes before we could start adding ingredients. We gathered the roots of the neux-nuit and removed the bulbs from the dying stems. Severus sat across from me facing the classroom door. His hands barely kept still as we passed the time with idle conversation.

"I envy you Severus." His right brow arched, not convinced of my seriousness.

"Do you?"

"Yeah, I mean, I never had much for potions when I was in school, or the dark arts. In fact the only thing I was very good at was charms and herbology."

"That would explain your attachment to Sprout." I couldn't help but laugh at his dry response to everything. He spoke slowly, annunciating perfectly as though he knew he was being funny. I can't imagine that was his actual intention but it came out that way. To top it off his face never changed expression. Almost always with an inquisitive stare that somehow made you believe that what little he didn't know was irrelevant and only asked out of pure curiosity as opposed to an actual need to know.

"Seriously though. I wish I had that kind of patience." A brief smile came over his lips and then faded.

"Its not a skill many admire." We both leaned into the cauldron, inspecting the progress of the boil. I was sure he was avoiding my stare. I took it from the hot water and placed it on him. Waiting for acknowledgement.

"I think…" I breathed and suddenly I was leaning into his space. The thought crept in that I should stop but Severus, now looking at me, and did not move. "This is long overdue..." Just before I closed my eyes, Severus tilted his head and allowed his eyes to shut.

Our lips came together, stagnate for just a moment until he returned my token. Almost like he was confused about the next step. I parted my lips slightly taking his bottom lip into mine, suddenly he remembered how to kiss and invited me into his mouth. Not long after our union, the door behind me abruptly swung open.

_**Robin**_

**10:12**

There are moments in life that we remember with perfect clarity. Times of immense joy, importance and of course agony. I stood in the doorway with half formed sounds falling from my mouth. Professor Vaustali jerked her head back at me and then to professor Snape who as always contained himself stoically. My knees locked and suddenly my whole body felt hot and break into sweat.

No matter how much willpower my brain tried to force to my body it would not move. I stood motionless and thoughtless at the scene I had just witnessed. _She _had the audacity to act on what had been at the edge of my fantasies for almost four years. His lips were moving, telling me something but all I heard was the muffle of white noise.

They kissed. They were…together now. It's over. Everything is lost. Even if I could never have him, I wasn't prepared to face the consequences of someone else. It never occurred to me that he would return feelings for another. My heart writhed and ached. Bashing against my chest and sinking into my stomach only to shoot back up into my throat.

Professor Snape began to move towards me, still speaking but I couldn't hear him, couldn't process the meaning of his words. _Move damnit! Get out of here. Get away from them now! Robin move your legs! NOW!_ Seems I was as deaf to my own words as professor Snape's.

He was getting closer, I think his tone was patient but it was hard to tell. Finally remembering how my legs worked they moved backwards, he stopped. How had I let this happen? How after all this time…had he chosen her? Chosen anyone?

I shook my head trying to excuse myself politely. _No! He knows! How could he not? It's all over my face! Move Robin, leave! _I had forgotten all words, simple commands is all I could manage. I turned on my heel and forced myself as far away from them as possible. My legs carried me far. Past the great hall and bursting into the foggy afternoon. My solitary was maintained thanks to the quidditch match.

My legs pounded down onto the wet ground taking me down the deep slope past Hagrid's hut and just barely into the dark forest. Realizing where I was, my mind took over and my body followed suit. I collapsed against a tree and wrapped my arms around it. My eyes cast down on all the broken and discarded twigs at my feet. All I could do was cry, loudly.

**Robin's realization turned out a lot better than I first conceived so yeah tell me what ya think. **


	5. Hey Little Train

**Hey peeps. Some good Robin and Myrtle time I think. Wasn't expecting that but it just sort of happened so yeah. Still having a hard time getting Severus' mindset down but hey practice makes perfect oh by the by, the creation of this chapter and perhaps subsequent ones abused the hell out of the song ****_"O Children" by Nick Cave_****. You may recognize it. **

** watch?v=yJyKzDtxZ2g **

**Cheerio then loves.**

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><em><strong>Robin<strong>_

The distance between the forbidden forest and the girl's lavatory where Myrtle dwelled was astonishing long and yet, I can't remember the journey at all. As if I had been removed from the memory of it, watching myself from above, trudging up the hill and into the castle where only Ravenclaw and Slytherin loitered.

I must have walked myself but it was not a conscious movement on my part. I was there, present in the halls, looking down them as my feet carried me to my subconscious destination. Still I was surprised to find myself where I was when my brain came back into focus. I placed my back to the door and slid down in a collapsing motion just loud enough to get Myrtle's attention.  
>"My my, little Robin, you look as though you've seen a ghost." She chuckled but soon silenced herself as I made no gesture toward her comment. "Well, whats the matter now?"<p>

"I saw them…" my voice cracked and I did my best to clear it. "I saw them." I said now with a bit more stability.

"Saw who?" She floated down to me and although it made no difference to her, she sat next to me. My mouth opened to repeat it but I closed it in time to allow my mind to process some other string of words. Myrtle waited patiently, I suppose she could see the struggle in my eyes, especially now since they were breaking into tears.

"They kissed. Its over Myrtle. Everything is broken." I hid my face into my knees with my arms wrapped around them. She didn't need further explanation. Who else would I be loosing my mind over after all?

Myrtle was incorporeal, her 'body' a freezing wisp of a blue hue that clung to the mortal realm, yet when she leaned her head down on my shoulder and hovered her hand just above mine I had never felt so warm. No one had ever felt so real to me in that moment. The two of us, longing for something that simply could not be.

I was sure she would tell me move on and that I was being silly. That Severus Snape was no man to love and now that I had been rudely awoken from my dreams that I needed to forget him.

But no.

There were no false comforts exchanged between us. She did not say 'it will be alright' or 'you don't need him.' as I imagined most girls would do for a friend. Noble as the intent was it didn't help. Instead, she sat there in silence with me. She heard me sob and felt (what she could anyway) my body tremble as I would try and fail to get a hold of myself.

But she stayed. The emotions of the living were frivolous, useless to her. Perhaps it was a memory to her, a time long before me, she too had cried over a lost love. Except the nature of her death told me that she was unfortunate in that she did not have friends to run in after her. To give her those beautiful lies and dry her tears.

No, she had to do it alone. Like me in the forbidden forest. Horrid as it was crying like this, loosing my mind, breaking down completely in front of another person, it was unbearable when I was alone.

"I know." she said, in all that time, however long it had been, that was all she said. Had my body not completely given up I probably could have went on like this forever. Eventually though, I did run out of tears with only a few remaining in my burning eyes. My sinuses inflamed and closed down from all of the mucus expelled from my fit. Even my stomach hurt, from all my heaving and attempting to contain my sobbing.

I laid on the floor, with my head and shoulder blades against the door, the rest of me sprawled out in front. I was exhausted. The very thought of moving to my feet and climbing to my dormitory clawed at my skull like a dreaded chore. Myrtle moved into my field of vision.  
>"Feel better?" I scoffed.<p>

"I couldn't possibly feel worse." She gave me that look and I knew I was crossing into the over dramatic territory of pain. "Sorry, you know what I mean." She sighed and moved to her perch of the high round window. "This is stupid, I'm stupid." I grumbled, even I didn't believe me, but I wanted to. I wanted this to be ridiculous surge of teenage hormones roused too early that masqueraded as true love. Never before had I wanted my love for professor Snape to be a hollow realization that this was all a phase.

"It's not" Myrtle spat. "And neither are you." She didn't look at me this time. I quietly berated myself for miscalculating the depths of her friendship. I rolled over on my side. The hard, cold floor was somehow very persuasive to keep me where I was. My eyes opened and closed several times but much like my walk to the bathroom, I did not remember falling asleep.

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_**Severus**_

I'm annoyed. Even as the third year dunderheads kept quiet and obediently did the class work given to them. Truly I hadn't much to complain about. Except perhaps that the internal struggle with not wanting to actually teach this morning and still at the same time having no desire to be left in the silence of my own thoughts.

I glared at the door, now shut and in the future may have to be locked. She shouldn't have done that. Barging into a classroom. She's always on time, why of all days had she decided to show up late? Why at that moment? The worst possible moment. Perhaps not the worst, had our kiss escalated. No. I wouldn't have allowed that.

_ The worst lies are the ones we tell ourselves. _

_ Nothing is ever your fault eh Severus?_

Certainly the moment was a bit awkward. For everyone. Still, she had caught us, not the other way around. Why then was she acting so strange? Correction, the girl has always been strange but even for her this was…odd.

I only saw her during her advanced potions class and even then she kept barely above a whisper. Always proud declarations after I requested she reveal the answer to the other idgets.

Unlike Miss Granger, she didn't seem to take an unyielding desire to demonstrated her superior knowledge. No, Miss Ryen smiled when the answer passed her lips. Excitement when I checked her work and even with only a subtle nod of approval. She loved potions. Which was surprising, not many did. However the more I recounted her character, a Hufflepuff, hard working, determined. Both things desperately lacking in the others who slouched in my stools day after day.

Had the sight affected her that much? Did it disturb her? Seeing two middle aged professors coming together in a brief moment of intimacy? Had it been so embarrassing that she couldn't even look me in the eye? Why did it concern me so? I knew why, she was my best student. Not something I liked to say even in my mind, she wasn't Slytherin. No, caring, kind, loyal Hufflepuff. Still, something had to be done. I couldn't let this passion and talent of hers be squabbled, and she had better be bloody grateful that I'm taking such an interest in her.

Once my class of imbeciles had been released I sent the least frightened of them to fetch her for me. Another Hufflepuff girl I knew she was acquainted with. Miss Ryen usually spent her study hall in here however for the past two sessions she was nowhere in sight. There had to be something else going on, perhaps she thought I was angry with her. Not entirely an unfair assessment.

I kept busy until her shuffling feet echoed into the stone floor. She cleared her throat and knocked lightly on the wooden door. "You wanted to see me sir?" Her voice, so meek, it revolted me.  
>"Sit down Miss Ryen." I commanded. Hesitantly she moved to the chair I had placed on the other side of my desk. She fidgeted and after a few painful moments she settled in her seat. "You know how I detest liars, I assume?"<p>

"Yes sir."

"How easily it is for me to detect them?"

"Yes sir."

"Good, then I will give you exactly one chance to tell me what has you so spooked about me." Before her feeble lie could fall from her mouth I looked up at her. She jolted into a freeze. I raised my brow. "Well, Miss Ryen?"

"You had better give me detention professor. The truth, in this particular situation is unreasonably bleak and I do not wish to discuss it further." She moved to stand but with another glare and she stayed put. No doubt waiting for me to release her.

"Miss Ryen, I'm not blind. Nor am I stupid."

"Of course not sir."

"Then why, are you pretending as though the incident with professor Vaustali did not occur and that it isn't gnawing at you?" She dropped her head, not at all like the confident fourth year who had all the answers humbly locked in her mind. "While your interruption was horrendously timed, it however, is not what bothers me."

"Oh?"

"Oh indeed. Last chance before I tell all of Hufflepuff that they're loosing two hundred points because you lied to a professor." Her eyes widened and behind them fear was born. There was something, something she would put her neck out for rather than tell her housemates that she lost them almost half of their points. She closed her eyes and mumbled something under her breath. I winced, trying to hear her. "Spit it out girl I can barely hear you."

"Don't make me say it again please…" Her eyes, they were on the verge of tears. Not that this was foreign to me, but the feeling of guilt was. I returned my gaze, cold and stern as ever.

"Had you said it properly the first time I wouldn't have to ask you-"

"I love you." Her eyes, they leaked all over her cheeks and before I could say anything she threw herself at my desk, reaching for my arms. "I love you, I love you, I love you. I've loved you from the first moment I saw you. At the top of the stairs telling us about the houses. I've always wanted to be a Slytherin, damnit why was I placed into Hufflepuff?! I wanted to be closer to you. Oh gods, I love you. Please." She sobbed and kept her head down into my desk. "Please don't hate me, I couldn't bear it Severus." That was a first and it almost made me chastise her but another first, I was empty of words.

"Miss Ryen…" Was all that flubbed out. She loved me? What? Did she even know what love was? Who I was? How…how could she?

"I couldn't bear it if you hated me. That's why, why no one, no one but you knows. And well, Myrtle."

"The ghost knows?"

"Please I'm sorry. I won't avoid you anymore, I won't say it again I just…wanted you to know. You asked and I…I'm such a horrible liar. I-"

"Miss Ryen I-"

"And when I saw the two of you together I just…lost it! I hated her. I wanted to be her! But not her, me!"

"Miss Ryen-"

"I couldn't stand it! But I promise I will control myself I swear it, you'll never hear of it again I-"

"ROBIN!" Her head shot up and she curled back into her chair, realizing that she had been babbling incoherent confessions. I exhaled deeply and took a moment to process all of it. "Miss, Robin." I corrected myself. "I don't hate you first of all." She breathed, so she hadn't suffocated through her rambling.

"Okay…" she nodded still not looking at me.

"Secondly, you don't love me." Her eyes focused intently on me now. I swallowed as they cut deep into mine. For a moment I was taken aback, even placed a shield over my thoughts, only to realize there was no way she knew they were even there. Her stare narrowed, then flicked down to her lap and back to me. I couldn't tell you their color, only that rage, sorrow and defeat blended together to form a hard glaze over which she stabbed me with. Quickly she stood up, swaying in a mental debate of what to do next. Another silent stare to me. She stalked her way to the door stopped once more.  
>"Do not tell me what I feel." A chill grabbed at me as the doorway became empty.<p>

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** _ this chapter exhausted me. Now I'm off to gorge myself on more fanfics.**


	6. The Meaning of Night

**You get a POV section of the chapter, and you get one, you get one everyone gets one! *throws confetti* yay! Note, the exchange between Snape and his students serves no purpose other than I wanted to explore how he would talk to them. Also some ****_mild citrus_**** at the end of the chapter but I still think I'm able to retain the current T rating so don't get too excited. That's it. I'm surprised at how well received this is getting. So thanks again for your continued support.**

_**Robin**_  
>This feeling was strange. Foreign, unsettling and not at all what I wanted to feel in regards to him. I stumbled across the grounds looking for some place to be. Just be. In all the time I'd known professor Snape, this was the very first time I had been angry with him. Hearing his words dig into my skull, their meaning, poison to my dignity, my integrity, my feelings. Belittling, oversimplifying down to nothing better than an overzealous crush. Had he so little self love that he could not comprehend someone else harboring it for him? Was he blind to it?<p>

Perhaps, but still!

He had no right to explain my confession away as some demented phase that girls might feel for their older and wiser instructors. True I had beheld him as one of the most intelligent persons I'd ever met. Valued his wisdom over conventional attractiveness. Although his stare could make the bravest hesitate their next move.

Right, I'm angry with him.

Actually, I don't know what I am at him. I'm unable to convey to myself what it is that I'm feeling towards him. I'm sure he hadn't expected those words to come pouring out my mouth. If I removed my heart from the situation it was understandable he may have come to that conclusion. In all of the scenarios that I conceived this response was not even considered.

I always imagined he would either scold me, ensuring I wouldn't believe that this sort of thing would get me on his good side, or even complete indifference. No, his voice was kind, perhaps even unstable. I'd hadn't considered that this had probably never happened to him. Its very possible that his response was beyond valid.

Honestly, how could he expect that he when he called in a student he was concerned for that she would throw herself at him frantically and spew her heart out to him? He couldn't have, of course. So then, why am I angry?

Because of girls like me, like me but not me. Immature girls flaunting their feelings on the pages of notebooks and pleasant sighs at the object of their affection. Underdeveloped minds with hormone soaked hearts dictating their judgment. Because of them my love is thought to be infatuation. Nothing beyond, nothing deep. Age…my mortal enemy.

Even if its not reciprocated, I have to make him understand. He has to know that my love is true. If for nothing else, I want him to know that he his loved. Everyone deserves that much. I think if it were owed to us at birth there would be less dark in the world. Perhaps even the darkest of us would not be the way he is.

My heavy thoughts and sentient feet took me to the room of requirement. I didn't know it at first. Usually it presented itself as a large storage room with myriad of objects hidden away until someone truly needed them. When I found myself just inside the door way it was a quiet sitting room.

Empty.

Except for me of course. A desk sat facing the fireplace with the chair pulling itself out for me to sit in. Unsure of the room's intentions I decided it was something I just didn't know yet. So there I sat and from the desk a piece of parchment and quill appeared. The quill was red, few of them are. Which meant it was special. Once I picked it up I knew exactly what my task was to be. The red quill, or Ephilius Quiltius one that translates the genuine thoughts and feelings of someone onto the parchment. In almost a whisper I asked the quill in my hands…

"What do I write?" And so I did.

_Dear Professor Snape…_

_**Eva**_

An immense silence passed over as the days to Christmas vacation dwindled down. Severus and I had hardly spoken. I felt the fault was mine and so I left it to him to initiate any interaction between us, intimate or otherwise. Miss Ryen gave me much the same sentiments as the head of Slytherin. Dreadfully lonely in the castle as it was, I resigned to stay here for the holidays. Typically the professors would go in shifts. Or at the very least the ones who ran houses.

Professor Sprout would return the day before Christmas Eve since she had taken vacation early. Professor Mcgonagall would return two days after Christmas and finally professor Snape would return just three days before the term would resume, since last year the schedule had been reversed. Which left me in taking over the first week and a half of vacation. Still given the opportunity I didn't see a reason to leave Hogwarts for long.

"If only to get out off the grounds." Severus droned as he sipped his tea. Things being what they were, I was surprised the students weren't being forced to return home. Dementors making a muck at the last quiddich match nearly killed Harry Potter. I certainly hoped they wouldn't be lingering for the holidays. The great hall was shrinking as the holiday got closer. Tomorrow most of them would be filtering out to the trains and carriages.

"What do you do during the holidays?" Severus didn't answer right away. As though he wasn't sure I was talking to him.

"Retreat to my muggle home, and enjoy the subtle beauty of silence."

"I suppose its too much to expect you put up a Christmas tree." He glared at me as though I had said some great offense. I held my hand to my mouth to hide my giggle. "Noted, Severus is a Scrooge."

"Not at all." He returned to his previous occupation, a book as always. "From time to time I hang a wreath above my fireplace."

"Well, that is a surprise." I nudged him, he remained still. It was a long moment more before saying anything else.

"My fireplace isn't large enough to travel by floo but perhaps sometime you would like to join me during the holiday." He didn't look at me when he said it. It seemed as though he was counting on a polite rain check.

"I wouldn't be able to leave here until Christmas eve." The both of us kept our focus beyond our table and into the scarce students sitting with their respective houses.

"I'll leave my address. Professor." He said as a farewell courtesy. Until the day of my own vacation I waited eagerly in my rooms for an envelope with Slytherin's seal.

_** Severus**_

Stupid girl. Impudent, foolish, naïve girl. Now more than usual I was grateful for the long holiday ahead of us. Ever since I'd heard her ridiculous confession of love and devotion to me I couldn't erase the words from my mind. Rather, the words she left me with. _"Don't tell me how I feel" _sharp with conviction. She truly believed her feelings to be real. I did my best to be civil with her, cordial even.

Before leaving I held a meeting in the Slytherin common room. At this time it is customary for teachers to give well wishes and distribute progress reports before their students leave for the extended period. I however, used it to issue warnings for those who were performing less than expected. They silenced as I strode past the entrance and with a whip of my wand the doors shut.

"Many of you…will be returning home for the winter holidays. For those staying behind, I do not anticipate misconduct to any…extent."

It seems I under-appreciated Miss Ryen's beaming smile. All of these dunderheads gawked with blank expressions. Their empty heads enraging me more than I'd like to admit.

"Should you breach the very simple, expectation, I assure you, punishment will be incurred as soon as reasonably possible. In addition you'll find that on your beds are your current standings within your house and your academic performance. I won't give anything too substantial away however, I should hope the holiday time will refresh your memory on what it means to be Slytherin. Dis-missed." They scurried upstairs in low whispers with a few glances back at me. Just as the exit was within my reach the female prefect cleared her throat for my attention.  
>"Excuse me professor Snape?" I turned around with only a raised brow. "This was left for you sir. Strange." In her hands a plan envelope with red ink on the front baring only my name. <strong><em>For Professor Severus Snape.<em>**  
>"Strange? Why?' I snapped taking it from her.<br>"It came from one of the Hufflepuff owls."  
>"With no instruction of whom it came from?" She shook her head and I released her. I stuffed the envelope in my pocket and left before any of the others could bore me with their petty inquiries.<p>

The snow was a lot heavier in Spinners End than normal. Or at least from what I could remember. Two days ago I had sent an invitation to Eva Vaustali and now as I sat in wild anticipation I regretted doing so. The only thing I had any bloody right to be anxious over was having to explain to the dark lord why my attempts to find and even revive him were half hearted at best. _Then again_, I had to consider my position at Hogwarts. While Dumbledore trusted me there were few others that shared his sentiments. The dark lord, knew this but it wouldn't necessarily factor in his decision making process. Very soon I will have to flex my occlumency.

Guilt was another emotion I had no business reacquainting myself with. Anytime I considered the possibility of having more than just raw physical feelings for Eva, Miss Ryen's confession came flooding into my mind.

Stupid girl.

A part of me, a part that spoke to Lily and even Potter pressed this feeling that I should have handled that situation differently. That I should spare her anymore torture and shut Eva out. As it was, she (Eva) wouldn't be around more than another year. If anything I was creating more problems for myself to step any further.

Then again…

Another part coated in indecision liked the idea of if nothing else, having someone to confine certain frustrations to. The dark lord is moving, slowly but eventually I wouldn't have time for luxuries as these. If I were to answer this side of me it would have to be under the most shallow of circumstances. She would have to understand. I would have to make her understand.

I slouched further in my arm chair and felt a slight sharpness digging into my side. I sat up and reached into my pocket to withdraw the letter given to me just a week earlier. I looked at it curiously. I had forgotten all about it. My fingers brushed against the lovely writing that seemed familiar. A light knock brought my attention to the door.

Eva dressed practically for the weather but retained elegance as she stepped inside my modest home. She shivered and stomped her snow covered boots on the mat. I took her coat and when I reached to take her scarf she jumped at the sudden warmness around her shoulders.

"Oh, thank you." She smiled and slipped out of her boots. Her skirt reached just below her knees, black with light glitter at the hem. Accompanied by a silk white shirt with thin straps covered by a long sleeved transparent button up. I extended my arm to the sitting room. The heavy fire being the only light. She awed at the built in book shelves that served as the walls. Every space tightly occupied with a book.

Her fingers traveled over a few spines. Smiling at some of the more rarer editions I possessed. I watched her exploring my collection. Her small frame shuffling to one side of the shelf to the other.  
>"Impressed?" I said nudging her with a small glass of wine. She took it to her lips with another wide smile.<p>

"Yes. Very. Although I'm not sure I should be surprised. May I?" I nodded in approval for her to take one off the shelf and sit on the floor rather than in the chair or sofa. I felt the need to join her in the same manner. She placed her glass on the end table just above her and leaned against the sofa. "96 Uses for Night's calling. My my Severus, I don't know much about potions but I do know Night's calling, very tricky plant to mess with."

"More like deadly." Already I had to refill my glass. _Hopeless_.  
>"Some would call it that. Rare plant, must be a rare text."<br>"How observant." _Don't be an ass_. "Yes it is, there are only three copies in the world. One on my shelf, one in Hogwarts and the last on Horace Slughorn's, the one who gave me my copy." She shot a smile at me.  
>"Really? Former potions master to current, I suppose it makes sense."<br>"Former head house of Slytherin." She nodded in agreement.  
>"Both have brilliant minds."<p>

She briefly leaned into me. I tried smiling for a moment, not a well practiced expression, I'm not entirely sure I was successful at it. She didn't seem to mind. We amused ourselves for the next couple of hours. She constantly getting up to discover more of my books. I was hardly annoyed that she didn't put the other ones back, if only because the books tended to reference one another for further guidance. So back and forth she would flip the pages and ask me questions about this solution and that draught. At the very least her company was good for stimulating discussion.

"You know…" She said thumbing through the theory of the effects of living death on undead creatures.  
>"Hm?"<br>"I was surprised you invited me."  
>"Why?"<br>"I don't know…I wasn't sure you know, after that day…in your classroom." She let her hair down and scratched her scalp.  
>"Eva, I'm not…well practiced in courtship. Or any sort of…" I struggled for the words as they came more liberally from my half intoxicated mouth. "Dating procedures…" A laugh burst from her mouth, quickly covered by a hand.<br>"Dating procedures? Oh Severus, first off don't call it that." I sighed, resigning myself to closing the subject altogether. "But, I understand what you're trying to say, all be it poorly." More giggling from her red lips.  
>"Right well, it isn't something I'm considered to be an expert on."<br>"And that must drive you mad." Seems the wine made her sense of humor open to just about anything.  
>"How do you mean?"<br>"You, not an expert at something."  
>"So am I to assume that you are well trained in these matters?"<br>"Hmm." She said drying her lips with one lithe finger. "At the very least I am adept."  
>"Oh?"<br>"Oh." She said nodding as though she'd won an argument. "Here, I'll give you a crash course." I raised my brow, curious to how this would go. She moved closer to me, our arms, both resting on the couch behind us now touching and her other hand on my thigh with her head hanging dangerously close to mine. A sparkle in her eye told me that we were done playing. The hand on my thigh clenched firmly and slowly converted into a rub that traveled inwards.

"See?" she purred. "Its easy." I gently captured her jaw with my thumb and forefinger.  
>"I…" she planted her lips to mine, inviting herself in my mouth, leaving me with the slight sting of her biting my lower lip.<br>"Don't worry Severus." She breathed with her forehead resting on mine. The air hot on my lips, asking for more. "This is…nothing."

With no resistance she pushed me back onto the floor, her mouth busy at my neck, delivering bites down to my collar bone. While my hands worked their way into her skirt, feeling both legs as they braced on either side of me. It took a dreadfully long time for her to unbutton me completely and I did not stop her.

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**I'm sorry if I ruined Severus for every/anyone. I tried my best. I imagine he abuses commas and ellipses on a regular basis during speech. Right then off we go, pip pip cherrio loves.**


	7. Don't Open 'til Xmas

**Now I know what you guys are thinking "Isn't this supposed to be a funny story? Whats with all the mellow dramatic nonsense!?" And you're right it is, and shall resume post this chapter. Which is a short one I'm afraid. But it has Severus goodness in it so I think you'll forgive me. Anyhoo have a good weekend everyone!**

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_**Severus**_

That was…_nice._ Pleasant. Enjoyable. Satisfying. Satiating. That was… long overdue. That was, necessary. Gods, it's a wonder I forgot what it felt like. To be with someone, that close, that…warmth. Of course unlike before my mind has been free of serving the dark lord. Which led me back to the bitterness of knowing that while lovely as this encounter was it is not meant to last long. Not that I would be able to explain, not completely anyway.

The strength of the wine proved to us that my floor along with a fleece throw was a much better alternative than climbing upstairs to my bedroom. I winced at the sunlight spearing its way into the sitting room. Eva was still asleep. Her head halfway under my collar bone where she had only just left several dark marks of her own.

"Ignitus." I mumbled and the fire awoke with a crack that stirred my guest. She groaned at the sight of the blazing light and buried herself into my chest pulling the fleece over her head.

"Too early."

"Sorry." Instantly she appeared from under the blanket with a wry smile.

"No problem. Had to happen." She sat up taking the better part of the blanket to wrap her still naked body. "Goodness."

"What?"

"It's Christmas morning. I'd forgotten." I snorted, the only acknowledgement the damned holiday ever got from me was (aside from the vacation) a very brief card to the headmaster and Minerva. Which had only been done after many years of badgering from the blasted Gryffindor about how I was too cynical for my age. Eva looked over her shoulder at me, a smile and then she laid down again.

"So what do we do with ourselves?" She cooed.

"I haven't got any presents for you."

"Oh don't you?" That voice, the same as last night's only sober now. Her tone sleek and full of lust. She twisted around positioning herself over me with the blanket drawn over to hide us. "I'm sure you can be imaginative."

I tilted my neck to the side and allowed her to retrace the path she had gone the night before. This time she was more conscious of her biting which was now nothing more than a quick graze of her teeth followed by a kiss to soothe it. This went on down to my collar bone where she came to the base of my throat. "Well…" she said in between her kissing and biting.

"Well?" I replied not really interested in her answer but rather what she could do with her descending mouth.

"I have a surprise for you."

"I'm rather not fond of surprises. In fact I'm enjoying the not so surprising morning we're having." She started laughing and sat up, her bare chest, more impressive now that I could properly see it. She drew her hair up in a tie and pulled on my white undershirt that when she stood up barely covered the rest of her nudeness. While she stepped out of the room I dressed myself as much as I could. The house hadn't warmed up all the way so my pants was the best I could do.

She had gone into the bathroom under the stairs. Curious as I was, I remained patient and made my way into the kitchen calling out to her.

"Tea?"

"Yes please!" I put myself to work. Magic had a way of blessing away the minor inconveniences of muggle life. The water boiled within seconds and all I had left was to filter the tea leaves. I reached for the lemon tea but stopped myself. That damned smug look on her face when she noticed I always took lemon tea. Instead I pushed it aside and took out cinnamon. "That smells heavenly" she came in and snatched one of the mugs trailing off into the sitting room.

"You're welcome." I snorted with an edge of sarcasm. I followed to find her huddled on one corner of the couch and the fleece wrapped around her bottom half. She smiled and with her arm gestured me to join her in the arm chair across from her. After a few sips I placed my tea on the table between us.

"So" I said through her slurping. "Whats this surprise?" Instantly a grin spread over her face. It held arrogance and a dreadful excitement that made me shift in my seat.

"Well, first off it is no coincidence that I came to replace Filius for an extended time."

"Of course it isn't. Dumbledore asked you to."

"Yes but there was a reason I was chosen. I was placed there specifically" Something in her smile turned sinister. "I'm a spy." My brow wrinkled. "Like you." She stood up and kneeled down beside me.

"A spy?" She nodded eagerly.

"Yes. I was sent here to help you. To guide you back to us, if necessary." Her hands came up on my thighs. Caressing me in a tight grip sliding up and inside. I captured her wrists.

"Eva, what are you talking about?" I tilted her chin to meet my gaze. She rocked back on her heels and bore her left arm, resting it in my lap. "Eva, no…" She rolled up the sleeve, her forearm still clean. I breathed easy until her right palm pressed hard into her arm. She winced as the flesh on her left arm burned and withered around the all too familiar black mark revealed itself.

"You see the depths of my loyalty Severus? I became a death eater. For you, for us."

"Us?" was all I could say.

"Yes." She kissed the top of my hand. "I wanted to help you, protect you from the dark lord but more importantly from yourself."

"How…?"

"Some of the others were afraid your virtuous nature was all too genuine. That you truly sided with the order instead of your brothers and sisters. I had been a waiting initiate for months. I took the mark so I could prove myself to them. More importantly to show them that you were still true to lord Voldemort." The both of us grit our teeth as the mark burned at his name. "Sorry, sometimes I forget the power of his name."

I let go of her wrists and jammed my fingers into my eyes. Trying my hardest to rub away the dismay. She laid her head down and stayed quiet for a moment. I couldn't tell her the foolishness of what she had done. That she truly did not understand what it meant to be a death eater. He would ask too much of her. She may have been the kind who didn't like muggle born but it wasn't just about barring them from schools and other institutions. The dark lord intended to eradicate them from existence.

Genocide.

She would have to put many of the students she'd come to know and care for to the death. Their intentions had been glorified to her, perhaps to convince her this was the right path. As it is, its too late now. She took the mark, under false pretenses or not it didn't matter. Her decision was stupid but I still felt a weight of responsibility. Not just for her false idea of love, but because I too was like her when the world showed me nothing but contempt darkness.

When I was a boy I couldn't get one girl to like me. Now I have a girl and a woman pledging themselves to me. _If I'd ask her, Miss Ryen would probably join the death eaters too._

"Severus…you're so quiet." Which broke me from my thoughts on how to respond. She was so proud of her new status. The revelation that this had all been for me. And us apparently. I wasn't aware there was an us, until now. Now there was. Now I was involved. She lifted her head and went back to her knees. I had no choice. I had to find a way to convince her this wasn't about discrimination against muggles. The dark lord will destroy anything and anyone who doesn't suit his needs. Pure, and half bloods included. His prejudice was a cover to get the other more powerful wizard families behind his cause. Once his vision was realized it was unclear what he would do. Whom would be considered worthy to live in his new demented world.

"I'm sorry." I finally said. "it's a lot to take in."

"I know." She swooned. "But you're not alone anymore." She pressed her lips to mine, draping her arms around my neck pulling me closer, back onto the floor. My mind tugged at more pressing matters, Dumbledore had to know. He may be able to help her see, then perhaps she could become a true spy. Though, in the morning light this beautiful woman laying under me begging me to ravage her as we did the night before, I found myself needing to oblige.

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** Here we are then loves hope you enjoyed it. Cheerio then! **


	8. I Know Why the Robin Flies to Cokeworth

**Kind of a short one and absolutely no plot (wait theres a plot?) is advanced in this chapter. Still hope you enjoy it. Cheerio then loves.**

_**Robin**_

Lena came to wake me. My sister had since moved into a live in apprenticeship for medicinal magic after her graduating Hogwarts. I barely saw her these days. I could hear Sebastian and my father making a commotion downstairs so for her to come in quietly was welcomed. She shook my shoulder lightly and patted my head.

"Come little Robin, its Christmas morning. Everyone is waiting for you." She kissed my forehead and no doubt smiled at my eyes wrenching shut from the sunlight blazing down on me from the window. I reluctantly picked myself out of bed and trudged down to our sitting room, where my family waited eagerly to open our gifts. Coming into the second half of my fourth year I couldn't tell you all but two gifts I had received. My memory can be impeccable sometimes.

It was obviously a book but still she wrapped it. Tightly enclosed with solid blue paper with silver north stars planted throughout the design. The center adorned with a metallic blue bow with a tag addressed to me. Her total excitement made me anxious to rip through the packaging. I kept steady, after the first tear I could sense it was fragile.

The old leather feeling familiar in my hands until all of the paper was discarded. I flipped it over to see in white print on the black book "Potions Perfected; a collection of essays regarding the subtle art of brewing." My eyes widened. This was a first edition. My mouth trembled for a response, it was no use, my brain was useless at the glory that lay in my hands.

"Took me ages to find it. I can't be positive but it may be the only copy left." Lena scooted closer to me. "Do you like it?" She asked, as if she had to.

"I…its…beautiful." Was all I could manage. That is until I threw myself at her. Arms tight around her shoulders with me half sobbing into them. "OH THANK YOU LENA! I love it!"

"Its worth noting that our very own professor Snape has two published essays in this edition." Worth noting? Of course it worth noting. It was the entire reason I wanted the elusive book in the first place. Granted the other admissions would be read, digested, memorized and read again but his…glorious words, now in my hands for me to examine, to interpret and theorize extensively at my leisure. It was only last year I had discovered he was published but it was unfathomable that I ask him directly to which his brilliant mind had leant itself to a book. Of course now everything that had transpired between us I suppose that would be not nearly as forward as I had originally thought.

"Oh so professor snake wrote a book big deal." Sebastian groaned from the kitchen, now that all his presents were opened he could careless about what else was going on. I glared at his back but quickly returned my focus to the book in my lap. The lettering traced by my fingers.

"Sebastian!" My mother scolded. "That is not nice to say about your professor. Besides you know how much Robin looks up to him." Look up to him? Yes mother I'm sure that's one way to say it. Idolized was more like it. I clung to his every movement with my eyes, listened with as much clarity as I could find in my fluttering mind, every word that passed his lips. Few they were, slow, precise and smooth.

"He's still a freak. No one at the school even likes him. He's only there because Dumbledore feels sorry for him." he said dismissively.

"Don't you say that. Don't you dare say that about him!" I stood up, book still in my hands, it gave me courage. "He's brilliant! How would you like it if you had to spend day after day trying to keep idiots like you from blowing up half the school? Only to be thanked by your mockery. Not that he cares. Why would he care about you and your pathetic excuse for a brain!"

"I had to take remedial potions because of him!"

"Not because of him! Because of you! Because you're a dunderhead! Because you lack discipline and respect!" I was going to keep going, I had to stop you see, I was trembling. Not like a little twitch but a full on body convulsions with my speech rattling in my throat. I gasped, another involuntary reaction putting my hand to my mouth.

They were all looking at me. Even Lena looked shocked at my defending him. My mother stunned at my sudden and rare outburst. My father crossed between confusion and curiosity and my dear brother Sebastian disgusted. As though I had made some great betrayal against the family for speaking against him and for professor Snape.

I swallowed, considered each of their expressions. Feeling as though I had said too much I took myself upstairs to my room to be alone. Not alone actually, professor Snape and his theory about the properties of sundusk and their potential uses for easing vampirism kept me company.

I wondered in between the words and my hungry mind, if he would have appreciated all that I had said for him. He'd never know about it of course and being that Sebastian had said it I can't say for sure if he would even care but… I did. It hurt to hear those words said about him. People can be so tactless and go only by what they see. I was interrupted by a slight knock at my door. I knew who it was.

"I'm not coming down Lena. I know he won't apologize." Why did I say that out loud? Why should docile Robin care about what her older brother said about her potions professor? She crept in and shut the door lightly behind her.

"I know I know. I just wanted to see how you were. Went straight to reading I see." She nodded at my book. "How many times have you read it?"

"This is only my second round." Since my third time reading it but she didn't need to know that.

"Mom and dad are worried."

"About me?" She said nothing. "Psh they should be worried about our idiot brother." She did her best to hide the crack in her straight face.

"Its just that, you never yell like that. Robin you were really upset."

"He says that about all the professors he doesn't like. I just got tired of hearing it is all."

'Right…but you just seemed really…um passionate about professor Snape in particular."

"Okay, maybe I was a tad zealous."

"No its alright I mean it wasn't right what he said. I had professor Snape same as you and I found his class to be challenging but more importantly engaging. But, its Christmas and we'd really like it if you'd come down. Dinner will be ready in a couple of hours and we haven't made any cookies." She nudged me. It was tradition that we always made the Christmas cookies while my father and Sebastian made the pies. Usually it was done just after presents so we could enjoy them all day, but I had forgotten. I was up here, engrossing myself in potions research.

"Goodness, I'd forgotten. Lena I'm sorry." I put down my book immediately. I'd barely seen my sister for the better part of the year and I was up here sulking for professor Snape.

"Well come on, oh wait." From her pocket she withdrew a small crudely wrapped gift. "It came in the post last night but you were asleep, I'd almost forgotten about it." I took it from her. It was flexible whatever it was. Its small square structure only sustained by a piece of paper folded over several times. "I'll be in the kitchen when you're ready." Curious, I regarded the paper first before the actual gift which plopped onto my bed as I opened it.

_ Don't say I never did anything for you. -M.M._

It took me a moment but soon I put the initials together as Moaning Myrtle. A brief moment of guilt for not getting her a gift and then the prying question of how does a ghost send a gift? On my bed was a corked vial, no bigger than an inch attached to a silver chain. Inside the glass cylinder was a lock of ebony hair that smelled remarkably like my potions classroom. Smokey, burnt cast iron. Oh Myrtle, you devious fiend, you are a friend to my sick mind indeed. I put it on after resealing the vial. The chain visible around my neck but its attachment hiding safely in between the beginning of my breasts.

A fire was rising in me. Yes. I was invigorated once more. I would return to school with pride. Having read his work, and wearing a part of him. I would not hide in shame about what I had declared to him. And I would not loose to that ridiculous woman.

**So uh yeah, that was fun. I hope you guys know I do not condone what Robin is doing, she is not well, but her obsession I think to a lesser extent is something we can all relate to at some point in our lives. Also it sounds funny in my head. Thoughts? Heres one for you! **  
><em> "There's nothing terribly wrong with feeling lost, so long as that feeling precedes some plan on your part to actually do something about it. Too often a person grows complacent with their disillusionment, perpetually wearing their "discomfort" like a favorite shirt. I can't say I'm very pleased with where my life is just now... but I can't help but look forward to where it's going." -JTHM<em>


	9. Epistolary

**Are ya ready to see the letter Robin wrote? Well too bad its happening right meow. Short as it is I felt the need so here's your update. Oh by the by the song**** "Kissing you" by Des'ree**** was beaten to a bloody pulp until I completed the chapter. WHOO! **

_**Severus**_

_Dear Professor Snape…_

_ It seems silly now, writing this, after what just happened between us. You may not think it much but for me…_

_ My entire life for the last four years had led up to that moment. I had imagined it in so many ways. The exact words, your words to follow. Your eyes, how they would spear into my soul to search for truth but ultimately finding it. I imagined silence. I imagined shock and confusion. Flattered even, humbled by my confession. A secret I had intended taking to my grave. But I couldn't…something in your voice that day told me this was the time. That if I just said the words the wrenching in my heart would be over. After that I would be able to breathe again. _

_ That and…I'm a horrible liar._

_ In those three heavy words I lost my composure. My shield that had been three and half years strong up until then. To be near you was enough. I knew that you would never be able to return my feelings. Tragic as it was I accepted it from the moment I realized my love. _

_ To hear you lecture, to make you proud in so many ways that was conveyed at best a slight nod, silence or if I was extraordinarily lucky a 'well done Miss Ryen'. Those moments few that they are fill me. Do you know what its like for your entire body to be overcome with a soothing warmth? At the simplest of gestures? Blissful in reception. I am, oh that I am. _

_ I can't say that I have ever been, in my short life of almost fifteen years, so intellectually stimulated, challenged than by you professor. I do not pretend that my love for you may sometimes obscure my judgment, allow me to see past your flaws, however without my heart's devotion I say still with all certainty, with all sincerity you are the most brilliant person I have ever met. _

_ You challenge my mind and perceptions beyond what I could hope to learn at Hogwarts. For that I am thankful. For that I have nothing to give in return, except of course my love. But you cannot reciprocate, I know this. _

_ I was cross with you upon my expression of love being met with dismissal. I understand though. I didn't at first, but I began to. Not only did I catch you completely off guard but more solemnly you could not fathom my genuine passion for you. It is not so hard to see that you hold yourself in low regard in this way. For me, one who adores you so finds this painful to the deepest degree. You are worthy of love._

_ It would be enough for me, if you would simply accept my feelings for you. Honor them, acknowledge they are there. I ask no more of you. It is my wish for you to know that you are loved. I do not personally know the feeling of someone loving me, but if it is as wonderful as it is to love another I can think of no greater gift to give. Whether you want it or not it is yours unconditionally. I am yours. _

_ -Robin _

I wept. I hadn't meant to. I didn't even know I had until the drop of my tear blotched some of the ink. It was written with a red quill, one that does not lie. I let the letter fall onto my desk. The weight so light yet the content so heavy.

I had dreamed every day of receiving a letter of this caliber from Lily. Up until the day she died, even after I fantasized about it. I had myself, written many a letter in this way. Yet none of them ever reached her. The words wouldn't have so I tore them apart, beside myself with regret. At least Miss Ryen had the courage to send such a thing. In fact she was a brave young woman. Not Gryffindor brave, not foolish that is. No, her courage was bore from her ridiculously large heart.

One that would get her killed one day no doubt. Twice now she had bared her soul to me. The very least I could do was grant her wish and apologize for the notion that she didn't know her own feelings. They were hers after all. And she mastered them beautifully here in a single page. I took a blank piece of parchment and challenged myself with my own quill.

_Dear Miss Ryen _  
><em> Despite what you may believe from our last discussion I found your letter to be quite moving. That said, you are correct. I cannot and will not reciprocate. Nor will I entertain your thoughts with even the slightest idea this could ever be mutual. Which says nothing about you as a person. Only our relationship as student and teacher, not to mention the great age difference between us. That aside, I will keep your letter in close consideration should I find myself in doubt of my character. I hope to see you are well once term resumes. <em>  
><em> -Severus<em>

**Sorry if Snape seems OOC but it is an odd situation in all. And hey why else do fanfics exist? **


	10. The Uses of Unicorn Vomit

**Fun times with Harry! Yay! And hey look at that some plot advancement going on here hell yeah! Ahem, maybe, we'll see. Before I go on I'm glad that my OC's are enjoyable to you all. I know that they can be total hit or miss and I was cautious of putting two in this little tale but so far its been garnishing positive responses so thanks. Cheerio then loves!**

_**Robin**_

The train ride back to Hogwarts was more than satisfying since my brother had since kept his mouth shut around me since my outburst. I can only hope that he doesn't decide to open it once we return to the castle. I had been very fortunate this year indeed. The day after Christmas I received a letter from my beloved.

Which I would keep tucked in my robes or pocket forever. I was determined to ensure our future interactions would not be as awkward as our last. Clearly he understood me now, he would not fight my claim, only humbly accept it. I had also been successful in figuring out what my original potion would be. If it was a success I would be accepted into his N.E.W.T. classes in my fifth year. After that I could apply as his teacher's aid and then an apprenticeship under him in my seventh year and post Hogwarts. Only one student could be selected though.

However…

Though I was his most accomplished student the only real competition I may have is Draco Malfoy. He was a year behind me but he was ambitious enough, especially in favor with our potions professor so I would have to watch myself and not become complacent. No matter. I would just have to find out if he was even interested in such a position. If he wasn't then my path was clear, if he was or undecided my challenge would be more difficult than originally expected. As it were I couldn't imagine any other student wanting to be his aid or apprentice. It was no secret that as desperately in love with him as I was, he had a hard side about him. Difficult for other students to favor him or vice versa.

Its entirely possible that this was the Hufflepuff in me but, in the most fraction of instances I could see a softness in him. Not just to me but others as well. He may have fooled others but I could see the most obvious times were with Harry Potter.

At first I was envious of such attention, although very indirect. But after watching him closely and seeing him trying so hard to make it unknown he cared for the boy I suspended my jealousy. There was something beyond my understanding in his careful stares and smirking responses to the boy. I left it alone.

Oddly enough I liked Harry Potter. He's polite, honest and above all surprisingly of someone in his position, humble. In fact his sorting ceremony is the only one I remember other than mine of course. My eyes burned at the hat, although it didn't know it, screaming silently, 'do not put him in Slytherin, I swear to all that is holy if you do I will burn this place down and you'll be my ignition you old piece of leather!' Only because Harry wished so badly not to be in Slytherin, and I well…

Most of the snow had gone on the grounds when we returned but there was still a thick fog about.  
>"Rutilus Lumos" I said with a twitch of my wand, the tip glowed with a red wisp that took off to lead me to my destination. My mother and father had us take the early train home so I was alone in my trip back to the castle. Once I reached the gates the red light returned to my wand and I stepped inside. It would be nice to come back to a nearly vacant common room so I could work on my potion.<p>

The only ingredient left was blood grass. A process of retrieving which I was not excited about. Creatures like thestrals and unicorns would occasionally eat grass to settle their stomach and when they vomited it up I would have the honor of picking out the remaining pieces of grass which would be coated in their stomach acid and blood.

This was the essential ingredient. Both creatures pure in their own right, would allow the potion to take its full effect. I hadn't come up with a name for it but the idea was that it was a less complicated version of Veritaserum. While it wouldn't enable the drinker to tell all their secrets it would reveal the most significant one and without prompting. In theory.

The extent of my research told me such a concoction did not yet exist. I had originally planned this to be the moment I revealed my true feelings for professor Snape but things being what they are I'm not sure what secret would plop out of my mouth upon his inspection of my efforts.

The advantage of using the unicorn bile over the thestral was that it would only take seven days opposed to a whole month. However, both presented difficulties as I could not see thestrals and unicorns were exceptionally rare. Both dwelled in the forbidden forest, perhaps I could ask Hagrid, or Harry, I'm told they have encountered both creatures.

I followed Harry to the potions classroom. I had study hall that day and I knew by eavesdropping that he was heading there to catch up on some work. He sat in the last row closest to the door. Professor Snape was there but in his office with the door cracked open. Harry yawned as he browsed through his book and carefully dropped three cray leaves in his boiling cauldron. I sat directly next to him. He glanced back twice at me and returned to his pot. I cleared my throat and he turned back at me for the third time.  
>"Oh, hey Robin, hows it going?"<p>

"I know the book says three leaves but try another half." He ripped another leaf in half and pending my approval he plopped it in the water.

"Thanks."

"No worries. So I realize this may be a forward question but…"

"I'm afraid all of the forward questions in my life have been used up in my first year so go on then."

"Is it true you can see thestrals?"

"Thes- what?"

"Thestrals…you know horse looking creatures with wings?"

"The only horse creature with wings I've seen are hippogriffs."

"Huh…" Harry looked back at me curiously.

"Why do you ask, haven't you seen them?"

"Uh…well they can only be seen by someone who has witnessed death and I guess I figured…" I trailed off and Harry nodded thoughtfully. "I'm sorry Harry that was so rude of me." I bit my lower lip.

"No, its alright. I mean I'm sure if I saw one I'd be able to."

"Right…your mother." At that moment professor Snape burst through his office door and eyed me curiously.

"Miss Ryen…" he began, I did my best to hide my smile. "Just so you're aware I haven't been able to teach Potter anything beyond a pompion potion but I wish you the best of luck." With a sharp twist he slid back into his office and this time shut the door all the way. I could see Harry gritting his teeth. The boy who lived could see my weak, assuring smile.

"Don't worry, he's always like that to Gryffindors. Especially to me." His brow wrinkled for a moment. "Hang on, how is it…I mean, is he always this nice to you?"

"Nice? I don't know about that but I mean I do well in his class I suppose." I swallowed and prompted him to add the next ingredient as to change the subject. As luck would have it, Harry had seen a unicorn in his first year and believed he could at least try and point out where he had seen it. Grateful for any help I eagerly accepted his offer in exchange for me helping him with his potions final.

"Honestly I'm not bad at potions." Harry said as we left the classroom. "Its just I donno, it seems Snape hates me or something." He kicked a pebble far into the courtyard as we made our way to the great hall.

"Professor Snape Harry, and he doesn't hate you. He has a general…distain for almost everyone he comes into contact with but not hate." Harry looked at me with a raised brow but I could tell he was interested in my assessment. "Take me for example, I may be good at potions but professor Snape never lets me hear a compliment without 'even if you are Hufflepuff, or if you weren't so soft you may have been Slytherin.' I don't even think he means it to be honest."

"Then why be so unpleasant all the time?"

"I don't know. Maybe he's not comfortable with people liking him. It seems like his own predisposition. Though I won't deny you are a special case. Maybe its your celebrity status, maybe because your Gryffindor I can't say for sure. But, what I can say is he doesn't hate you."

"How do you know all that?"

"One of the great things about being Hufflepuff is that I am a good judge of character. I just know these things is all. In this dark world Harry, I have to give people the benefit of the doubt. I have to believe that all of their actions are done with the best intentions." We stopped at the doorway, Harry looked between me and the table full of his classmates.

"Thanks for the…chat. And the help with potions."

"No problem. Thanks for agreeing to help me find a unicorn." I laughed coming back to the thought of having to touch its regurgitated food. "Its an odd request that most would not give me a second thought for."

"I have quiditch until Sunday afternoon, maybe we can meet then. Best I can do is show you what I remember and in the daylight."

"I'll meet you here then, Sunday afternoon."

"Great." Harry smiled genuinely for the first time in our conversation and turned to meet his friends who would be soon inquiring about the nature of our discussion.

Save for the blood grass, my potion was finalized. From then on I spent the rest of the week writing out the steps and ingredients, possible substitutes for them and finally the properties of my potion that in which I hypothesized with great detail how and why it should work. The forste sannhet serum or just sannhet serum should be successful assuming I could procure the integral piece.

As promised Harry met me in the dinning hall just after lunch and together we unconsciously made our way into the forest. Our journey was spent much in silence. Once we came to our destination Harry apologized profusely at being so quiet. I assured him I understood that this wasn't his idea of a great Sunday afternoon and that he had other things on his mind. He accepted my explanation though not entirely willingly.

"You know…" he began after a long lapse of stillness between us. "In all the time I've been here, I don't think I've ever heard anyone say anything nice about Snape. That's a talent, you have. Seeing the good in people."

"Are you saying you agree with me?"

"About Snape?"

"Professor Snape Harry, and yes…that's what I meant."

Harry shrugged and adjusted his glasses before continuing. "I donno… can't say I can see anything good about him. But…I mean, its good that you can."

"I see what is presented to me Harry Potter. And more importantly I don't take things personally." It was quiet for a moment, so much so that we both looked up with a twig near us snapped. About twenty feet away was a young unicorn. Her ivory coat brilliant in the dim sunlight that broke in scatters from the thick tree tops only to shine upon her. For a long time she just stared at us and when she determined we were no threat to her she went to eating the ground before her.

"I reckon you'll just be…uh waiting for her to get sick."

"Yup." I said with a hesitant sigh. "that's the plan anyway. You don't have to stick around Harry. You helped me find her and that's all I needed. Once she's done gobbling up the grass I'll wait and follow her til she throws it all up." Harry nodded at me before slowly backing away and out of the forest. I leaned against a nearby tree and watched the unicorn who was all but ignoring me.

"Just what I always wanted." I said to myself. "Watching beautiful creatures vomiting." She snorted at me, seeming as though she knew what I was saying. I leaned my head back and looked to the sky, the trees stretching up to cover the gray sky. As I waited patiently my fingers came around Myrtel's gift. I laced the chain through my fingers and stroked the vial with my thumb.

** Right then so that happened! "A rice ball may think himself plain until another one points out he has a plum in his back."**


	11. Pure, Uncondtional and Unwavering

**So the beginning italics is just Robin's potion, if you're not interested in that you can skip it. I promise you won't loose much in the process. Also if you're interested the Glitch Mob's album Love death immortality has been abused profusely in the creation of this chapter. Cheerio then lads and lasses.**

_**Severus**_

_Forste Sannhet Serum_

_Objective; _  
><em> a less complex potion with similar effects of veritaserum. With one key ingredient the time to make a successful serum is lessened by 23s. Although not as potent as its predecessor, the sannhet serum will not require prompting for one to reveal their secret and chooses the most significant, this usually comes from the most recent truth told and in theory does not require the drinker to have actually verbally affirmed the secret to anyone, only that they realize it within themselves. _

_Ingredients and brewing process; _  
><em> Four cups of river water, freshly salted with snail skin until salt rises to the surface. Collect salt and mix with two cups of river water, preferably from the same source. <em>

_ ½ cup of crushed nightshade - night's calling can substitute for only half an ounce of its honey but allows far more user error should the boiling not be at the adequate temperature for consistent stirring cycles. Use with caution. _

_ Two bulbs from a dying black wood log. Slice each bulb in half. Add the first two pieces after the first stirring cycle. Once disintegrated and the liquid turns dark purple, remove from heat and add the other two pieces. Allow for potion to heat for another forty-five minutes and sit over night, no less than seven hours and no longer than twelve. _

_ Half a dozen rose stems that have fully bloomed must be shaved into cauldron after it has sat at room temperature over night. Thorns must remain on the stems, and do try not to behead the roses until the stalks are skinned. _

_ If you're using blood grass from a thestral add it now and keep the potion in a clear cauldron to allow natural light to enter the potion. It must sit for exactly 27 days. The thestral blood grass, while taking a considerable longer time does not require precise measurements or heating times. Through research of their special properties, it is known that as long as it sits for 27 in natural light the effects will be garnered. _

_ Blood grass from a unicorn- _

Robin had presented a dark cauldron and informed me that by Monday morning, or a week from the day she turned it in, her potion would be ready. I grit my teeth. Which means she used unicorn blood instead of the thestral. While her ambition was admirable she had one small oversight. Any amount of unicorn blood would grant the consumer a half life.

Stupid girl.

Even though it was Saturday I sent for her at once. I debated whether I should fail her or not. While the proceeding steps and ingredients were perfect, this was something not to be overlooked. She could have given anyone who tested her potion a half life. How could someone so intelligent forget that key fact? Perhaps she'd been spending too much time with Potter. She was far too generous. Helping him, a third year with the most basic concepts he should have learned by the beginning of his second year. Perhaps he was too busy coercing Miss Granger to make poly-juice potion and sneaking around at night to pay attention. She entered the classroom, eyes wide and hopefully but the rest of her cautious.

"You wanted to see me sir?" I beckoned her with a curling finger and instructed that she shut the door.

"Quickly." I added. Once she was seated across from me she looked down at her written portion and sighed. "Miss Ryen…your potion is for the most part ingenious. Better than any of my seventh year students." Her eyes widened but that dangerous mouth wisely kept shut. "However…"

"However…?"

"I must say I'm disappointed."

"Am I to assume this is where the 'for the most part' comes in?" I slammed the parchment in between us. My finger pressed firmly at the last paragraph.

"Unicorn blood? Are you mental or were you hoping to tear someone's soul asunder?"

"Professor-"

"Do you have any idea how dangerous unicorn blood is? I'm surprised you were even able to safely handle it! Even if you haven't slain it, the effects of it are still for the most part undiscovered. I should throw you to Azkaban for even suggesting it." I was exaggerating of course. But she didn't have to know that.

"Yes, but Professor-" Odd. Her voice was steady, confident.

"Where you even got the idea is beyond my desire to know. I can't imagine it was through ethical means. Now then-"

"SEVERUS!" She breathed and then recomposed herself. "I'm sorry but you weren't listening. Here." She flipped the parchment's orientation so I could properly read it. "I thought I had already explained it but obviously you didn't finish…"

"I don't need to! The use of it is-"

"Stop interrupting me!" The both of us were shocked at the voice coming out of her throat. I raised a brow and wondered where in all her previous years was her voice? When did she find it? It must have been recently. "Read damn you!" I glared at her, silently warning her that her newly discovered confidence was speeding her through to detention. She cleared her throat. "Please sir…"

I couldn't tell if I was more irritated with being wrong or exceedingly proud that she hadn't disappointed me after all. A lengthy paragraph and conclusion later she had described that if done with considerable care, that is to say, a watchful and patient eye the adverse effects of unicorn blood could be avoided.

The changing heat and occasional stirring would break up the unpleasant side effects. As such, since the blood was mixed with bile and grass and not procured through murder it is unlikely the issue of maintaining one's soul intact was present at all.

"You are without a doubt the most…strange student I've ever had."

"That's quite a statement with Luna Lovegood running around." she smiled and gave a small laugh. "I'm teasing of course. She's got a good head on her shoulders."

"Miss Lovegood was destined for strangeness you…on the other hand… are…"

"Are..?"

"Different."

I had agreed to allow Miss Ryen to choose the subject of her experiment since I had insulted her intelligence. The only condition was that I was not to be the lab rat since I had to assess its effectiveness. It wasn't fear that set this boundary, I wouldn't want to ruin the potential success of her potion by easily resisting it with occlumency.

_**Robin**_

Monday came with a warm welcome my dorm mates found disgusting. Before they had gotten out of bed I was dressed and leaving the common room. They made fun of me for being way too happy this early and that I was not normal. I ignored them. I was used to this kind of backwards compliments. You see, they would say these things until it was time to study for a potions test. Although my love was kept tightly folded in the pocket of my robes, it was no secret I was adept at potions.

What they didn't know was that it wasn't luck or some natural gift. Potions took a lot of math to get it right and I was tripe with numbers. But the idea that raw materials could be cultivated and manipulated into some liquid with an applied effect fascinated me. It didn't hurt that our professor was a genius who made even the most mundane of mixtures sound like poetry.

While they spent weekends in the courtyards making googoo eyes at boys, I was in his lair. Under his suggestions and brief lectures I enthralled myself in the craft. All of my luxury time went to potions. Not that I had a clue what it would amount to, but I hoped that it would bring me closer to him. Even after I would leave Hogwarts as a student. An apprenticeship was possible but the selection process had to go through the professor, the headmaster and the ministry before accepted. The pay was practically a joke and you had to live at the school. Your life revolved around the craft and you lived and breathed at your master's whim.

Naturally I'd dreamed of it since I was eleven.

When potions did finally arrive at the end of the day it was only to present our final products to professor Snape. For this he had decided that presentations would be done privately and if up to his standards would be shared with the class the next day. One by one he called us in and even though it was alphabetical I was last, right after Daniel Xi. I went inside without the prompt of his command.

"And where, Miss Ryen, is your subject for testing?"

"On her way." I smiled and there was a slight strike of fear in his eyes.

"Who is it?"

"Professor Vaustali." I said proudly with a mischievous grin he was not amused by. I dropped it and sat across from him. He stared at me quietly for a moment and folded his hands.

"Why?"

"I asked her if she would participate in my potions final and without another word she said yes."

"But-"

"Severus, Miss Ryen. Shall we get started?" Professor Vaustali showed up right on time and took a seat next to professor Snape.

"There's been a mistake." He said quietly.

"What? No, Miss Ryen asked if I would help and I said-"

"Yes I know but…" He sighed and stood up. "Please excuse me for just a moment. And don't do anything." He stormed into his office and shut the door promptly. The sharp slam caused us both to jolt.

"I'm confused…" she said finally.

"Not surprising." She glared at me. I matched her stare.

"Theres no point."

"In what?" I snapped, dropping all false pretenses that we were being cordial.

"You can't possibly understand Severus Snape. I know you hate me because he and I are close. But don't worry it'll pass."

"What will?" I kept my answers short. I wanted to speak to her as little as possible.

"Oh honey, you're just infatuated with him. Its normal for a girl your age to feel these things. But that's all. I on the other hand…well my- our feelings are deep and mature."

"Is that it eh?"

"Can't say I blame you, theres a lot to like about him."

"Like?"

"Robin please, you can't possibly think that what you're feeling for him is…love." I grit my teeth and before the seething rage could pour out of my mouth I allowed some of it to filter out of my eyes. I swallowed and regained control.

"Listen here missy." I stood and gripped the table, bracing myself. "I assure you professor, I say this with absolute conviction that no one, no on loves Professor Severus Snape like I do. You cannot understand my feelings for him. They are not the silly flutters that most girls my age feel. It is pure, it is unconditional it is unwavering. Whatever you think you feel for him it is dwarfed by my devotion to him. So do not patronize me with your weak assessment of my love in exchange for infatuation."

Had I not been so angry I would have found a lovely cliff to jump off of now that I had told her everything. I just couldn't stand that smug expression on her face. It woke something in me, something that forced me to reveal everything just to prove a point. What a fool I am.

She still had that stupid grin on her face. "But darling, you just don't know. Oh…its so sweet how much you care but… the thing is, he and I share something you just can't understand."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yes." She said content.

"Prove it." I shoved the small vial of my creation in front of her and without a second thought the cow took it and ingested it. The door to professor Snape's office opened.

"Now then Miss Ryen- EVA NO!" No sooner than after swallowing the last drop she smiled, turned to me and proclaimed,

"I'm a death eater and Severus knows." her hand came over her mouth as though that would silence the words now burning in my ears. I collapsed onto the stool just behind me. A squeaking breath escaped my throat as I gawked back and forth between the two of them. The door behind me slammed shut and locked. Professor Snape came around to me, gripping me by the arms and held me captive.

Some things, you remember with perfect clarity.

**Heres a quote I think fits Robin well; ****_"Ah. The sight of that smile is like a million volts down my spine, and what's more, we both like steamed leeks. It's as though we're destined to be together!"-Motoko_**

**OH MY GOD NOW THEY ALL KNOW! Til next time folks. **


	12. The Burden of Knowledge

**Hello and welcome back to...whatever this is! I used a little bit of creative liberty with the memory charm so yeah. Thank you thank you again for the reviews, favorites and follows. I do a little squee every time I get notified. Right then lets get on with it. **

_**Robin**_

Ringing. Sharp stabbing silence. My ears which were alternating between a burning screech and a numbing muffle. He tore his arms away from mine and shouted something at her, his eyes looked panicked, I'd never seen them so desperate. With a whip of his arm she froze and became unconscious. Then, he turned to me. Some of his composure had returned as he snapped his fingers right to my ear. My head was underwater while everyone else was up for air. Again he snapped, the sound was more defined in my head and I shook myself out of stupor. I blinked and rubbed my eyes to remind myself I was really here, and this had really happened.

"Stupid girl!" He gave me a light rap on the head. "What the hell were you thinking!?"

"I donno!" It seemed pointless, even for me at this point to continue with courtesies. "I thought at best she'd tell me something a little embarrassing." While professor Snape kicked over one of the stools only to take a seat in the next one over I came to realize something. "It worked. My potion it worked!" As excited as I was my professor did not share the same enthusiasm with my success.

"Oh it worked alright." He pinched the bridge of his nose and smoothed over the rest of his face with his flat palms. After a heavy sigh he looked over at professor Vaustali who was still knocked out from whatever spell he put her under.

"Wait a minute. She's a death eater!" I stood and readied my wand as though she'd wake at that moment and attempt to eat my face.

"Yes…"

"Professor I know that you two are…" I shuddered. "Whatever, but we have to take her to Dumbledore right now!"

"We can't…"

"Yes but- What? What do you mean we can't?" My breath caught in my throat and I tried my best not to suffocate through one of my famous rants. He in turn, shot me one of his famous stares.

"I should oblivate you." I stiffened, he could do it. Easily, no one would be the wiser.

"I'd like very much to avoid that." For the moment I agreed with myself that it was safe to keep my wand sheathed.

"So would I." He said quietly.

"So, you knew she was a death eater…are you…"

"Former." He said sharply and looked at me straight on. "Its complicated."

"But she's an active member?"

"Yes." I sat down again, this time closer to him. "She told me over Christmas." While my opinion of professor Vaustali had finally dropped to its lowest possible place, it ached for me to hear his voice like this. Lost and torn. As though she were already dead and he was to blame.

"Professor, I don't want to question you at all but, you were going to go to Dumbledore with this weren't you?"

"Yes. She was no immediate threat but I intended on telling him in the hopes that he would have a clean way out of this. Perhaps convince her this wasn't the way."

"Dumbledore must be quite the salesman." It was quiet for a long time. I wasn't exactly sure of the time but when I handed Vaustali my potion the sun was low but still bright. Now the classroom was a dark and bleak as our next option. "We have to turn her in."

"That will be her death Robin, you don't know what that means, what it truly means."

"I know that she's a follower of you know who! Be it the other way around she'd not thought twice!"

"She won't last on their side."

"That sounds like a personal problem." I snorted defiantly which earned me a disgusted look from him. "What? I'm serious. She took the mark willingly."

"So did I." By my expression he could tell that was hardly relevant to me. He wasn't one now, so what difference did it make?

"So what now? We just let her wander around the school giving information back to him and his crew of death eaters?! Maybe I should just hand out my schedule to them! Yeah? A list of half bloods and muggle borns! That would make her job easier after all she could spend more time with you!" My lower lip was almost torn to shreds when I finally heard my own words echoing off the walls.

"You're jealous of Eva?"

"What?! How dare-" I sunk my teeth further into my lip. "I…most certainly…am not."

"I apologize." He exhaled, admitting defeat as his eyes wandered back to our problem that would wake up at any moment. "Miss Ryen if I may ask you a personal favor?" He never looked back at me.

This was far too heavy for me to ingest at once. It seemed hours ago but it was probably only moments where I was confessing my precious secret to a woman who I was at war with, practically force fed her my potion which worked so well that she signed her death sentence with such few words, resulting in professor Snape to incapacitate her so we could determine her fate. Even recapping it in my head hurt.

"How can I help?" Not that I wanted to help her but if it meant helping him I would have to take it in stride.

"Let me go to this with Dumbledore. Alone. Say nothing of it. Please." His eyes finally found their way back to me. I'm not sure I'd ever heard him say the word without a sarcastic undertone. A thought to ponder on later, now his eyes were climbing deep into my own, steady but still asking rather than demanding that I oblige his request.

"You have my silence along with my trust. Please Severus…don't make me regret it."

_**Severus**_

As the heavy door closed shut and the stillness embodied me I had only one phrase repeating in my mind _"Of course he knew."_ There was some disappointment in myself, I shouldn't have been surprised. Something else told me though, that he hadn't known from the beginning. Which was a genuine surprise. He mentioned that she was able to read me.

What an insult.

With such a remark I almost threw a killing curse at him right there. He hadn't said it so black and white but gave the implication that I had somehow given myself away (unknowingly) and so she was comfortable revealing herself as a death eater.

But no, she was sent here. On a fools errand. Before her employment she had the intention of telling me of her identity it was only a matter of time. To me that says that Dumbledore found out about her charade right after she told me herself. I don't know how. I'd be more accepting of the idea that I may have slipped up and he caught something in my mind rather than her noticing some subtle detail that told her who I was, or who I half am. But no, he claimed no such thing. Only that he knew and had known for sometime. Which left me with my current dilemma.

What to do about both women?

Again, in not so many words Dumbledore hinted that it would be wise to oblivate Miss Ryen and utilize Vaustali as another source of information. This idea sickened me. He wasn't interested in trying to convince Eva to come to us and he didn't seem to bother with the fact that the oblivation spell is unstable even for an experienced wizard. Miss Ryen could loose more than just the last few hours. There are potions to take away certain memories however those rely on time which I was short of.

There was another reason I was hesitant of using the spell on her. A selfish reason…

If there was the slightest mistake made in the process of charming away her memory she could loose her…love for me. Then, where would her passion for potions go? Would it still be there? Would it be as strong? Bizarre as it may be, her affection for me drove her to be so accomplished in our craft. She had so much potential. It would be truly regrettable for such a mind to go to waste. To be another mediocre, bland, dunderhead.

The thought occurred to me to oblivate Eva, but then Dumbledore would not like that option. As it is, it also didn't present a solution to Miss Ryen and her burden of knowledge. It would be easy enough to convince Eva that this was a dream or I had erased Miss Ryen's memories, but with our revered headmaster, that was something else entirely. Miss Ryen, talented though she may be at potions, was a horrendous liar. She would be absolutely useless at occlumency. Even to consider teaching her of my own devices would be illegal.

But of course he left it up to me. To decide what to do with them.

Eva was now sleeping soundly in her chambers but would soon wake and want to know why she at one moment in my classroom and now in her bed. For certain she would come to me for answers. Not to mention if I did keep Miss Ryen's memories intact she would be at greater risk in just about every way. At this rate she'd know all about Lily by the end of summer. Gods help her if she ever discovers what a pensive is. If it ever came to pass that she learned my agent status I would have no choice but to oblivate her memory. It would be far too dangerous for her, to know that much. Which left me nowhere as my door echoed a knock. Surprise, surprise, it was Miss Ryen with a sheepish grin.

"May I come in?"

**I feel like this took longer to write than it should have. :Sigh: all well. But heres some George Orwell for ya...**

**"Doublethink means the power of holding two contradictory beliefs in one's mind simultaneously, and accepting both of them." - O'Brien, the first true master of Occlumency **


	13. Its Complicated

**Good evening! Lots of dialog in this chapter so uh...yeah! I have a super horrible sense of humor so don't feel bad if you don't laugh at my 'jokes' in this chapter. It's cool we can still be friends. Right then chaps lets give it the ol college try! **

_**Severus**_

"May I come in?" She asked in the most devious tone that reminded me she is still a child.

"You may not." I said stepping into the hallway. She frowned defeated, but still kept her chipper demeanor.

"I figured as much."

"Did you?"

"I just came to ask about professor Vaustali."

"Dumbledore is aware of the situation that is all you need to know." She nodded and bit her lip looking away. "Unless there is something else…"

"No I mean…I just wanted to make sure she was okay." I didn't answer right away. I was attempting to find the logical perspective of her question. It didn't come to me.

"Why should that concern you?"

"That looked like a right nasty spell you gave her." She finally looked up and forced a sigh that would accompany an explanation. "Look I'm not heartless alright?! I can't help it! I worry about people."

"Just seems strange. You were ready to give her to the dementors and the ministry all at once only hours ago."

"I still…" She looked around at the abandoned corridor and leaned in to whisper "I still don't like that she's a death eater."

"And…?"

She rolled her eyes. "And that you two are close."

"Miss Ryen…" This discussion would go for the running of one of the strangest conversations I've had here at Hogwarts. Being in the spy business and potions master that was a heavy statement. "Robin, did you read my letter?"

She beamed instantly and reached for it in her robes. She clutched it proudly and beheld it to me. Yet when she returned it to its home her fingers trembled at handling it, as though it would rip at the wrong touch.

"I know…" She said in the silence. "Its silly. These feelings I have, love, protection, jealousy."

"They're not silly and neither are you." Her eyes came to mine. I wasn't prepared for her expression, relief but somber flooded her mind and it reflected in her eyes. They became soft and glazed with the hint of tears. Tears from students was nothing new to me but this guilt or was it empathy, that was rising in me was. "I'm not…adept at consoling others, in fact I can hardly acknowledge sadness in myself." For a moment I wanted to confess all of my unfavorable traits to her, to help her see that I was not who she thought. To help her see that I was not someone she should love.

"Its okay." Her voice, null in its steadiness. "You don't have to explain."

"Damnit woman I want to." I sighed and held back the normal insults that would normally fly out of my mouth. Ridiculous really, how automatic it could be. "That letter is the most honest I've been in a long time. I don't know why I wrote it, in fact if you weren't as smart as you are I'd probably find you the most annoying student ever. Sometimes the fact that you are so well versed in potions, and Hufflepuff does annoy me beyond measure."

"Professor I was under the impression everything and everyone annoyed you."

"I should be throwing detention at you for that remark but I'm so damned impressed with your wit I can't bring myself to do it."

"That and you know that detention with you would be the highlight of my Saturday night."

"The point is Robin…I'm not just a snarky professor who takes pleasure in tormenting his students."

"But you do take pleasure in tormenting your students…?"

"There are things about me that I can't explain to you."

"Why not?"

"Other than its my own damn business?" She nodded. "Its-"

"Complicated." She echoed, annoyed.

"Robin, I am not a good person, I'm not a nice person. I practically fail at any type of social interaction that does not directly relate to work."

"Permit me to disagree professor but I'd say you're doing a pretty good job now."

"I'm not saying that you don't have feelings for me, what I am saying is that they may only exist in the Severus Snape that stomps around Hogwarts sneering at everybody. Berating students, and enjoys that the entire student body and half the staff fear him!"

"I don't." I stopped for a moment. The eyes that threatened to break down into redness and incomprehensible speech, were now dry and focused on me. "I have never been afraid."

"Then perhaps you're not as wise as I originally thought."

"What is it you're trying to say sir? Are you trying to scare me?"

"No, I can see that tactic has long been wasted on you."

"If you think that telling me more about you, the you outside of Hogwarts is going to push me away you seriously misunderstand me." This girl, was either extremely brave or stupid, or both. Seeing as how the golden trio ran around the school like they had the deed in their pocket it wasn't unlikely that the two traits mirrored one another.

"I think its time you went back to your dorm."

"Okay fine but…are you going to erase my memories?"

"Dumbledore has given me permission to attend to you at my discretion."

"And what is your discretion?"

"You still remember the incident don't you?"

"Sadly." She rolled her eyes again. "Can I ask why?"

"Has anyone ever told you, you ask too many questions?"

"How else am I going to learn?"

"As you know, memory charms are difficult."

"So I forget where my family went on vacation when I was seven or what my grandma's middle name is. That stuff is what usually gets lost in the process."

"Oh well in that case." I reached for my wand.

"I mean! Not that I want you to I just okay! I'm going god!" She whipped around out of my doorway and back to the Hufflepuff common room.

_** Eva**_

What little light there was, it stung my eyes as they opened only to be greeted by a jumbled mess of dim firelight and the outline of someone's face. I closed them tight and groaned. I had a good feeling on whose face was staring back at me and so I encouraged myself to open them again. Even with them fully open it took some time for me to adjust.

"Here." he pressed a hot cup to my lips and suddenly I was more awake.

"What the hell happened?"

"What do you remember?"

"Hell I think it was a dream. I was..." I swallowed some tea and sat up rubbing my eyes. "I was in your classroom, and that Hufflepuff girl was there. Gods I can't remember much else." I looked up at Severus with my eyesight back to full function, but wondered if the smile on his lips was real or of my imagination.

"It seems Miss Ryen got a little overzealous with the night's calling."

"So I was trying her potion."

"Allegedly yes, it was a potion. What effect it was supposed to have I'd rather not contemplate." Poor girl, I did remember, in my feverish stupor that she had made a confession to me. Perhaps she was hoping the potion would make me forget what she had just told me.

"Severus…"

"Hm?"

"Before I lost consciousness Miss Ryen told me something."

"Oh?"

"I think, I think she's in love with you." I ended with a bit of a chuckle but he remained firm and stoic.

"I beg your pardon?"

"The Hufflepuff girl, she's in love with you. She told me before I blacked out. Before I drank her potion." He glared at me for a long time. "What?"

"I sincerely doubt that, nevertheless I don't suspect she'll be writing me love letters any time soon."

"Why do you say that?"

"I failed her."

"You did not."

"She'll pass the class but she was careless and she could have done serious damage to you. Its partly my fault though, I had too much confidence in her and didn't check her work."

"Such a shame, her family is pure blood aren't they?" He snorted.

"Doesn't seem like its doing them much good. Her brother is an arrogant Gryffindor who has the distinct talent of being able to talk nonstop."

"What about her older sister? I heard she has an aptitude for healing."

"Potential squandered I assure you."

"I suppose so. I heard she declined the offer to take the mark." Severus got up from the edge of the bed he was sitting at and poured himself a glass of tea.

"Its for the best. They're about two breaths away from being blood traitors." He returned to his seat on the bed. "How are you feeling?" His voice softened.

"I'll survive." I sat my cup down on an end table and moved towards his back. At first his shoulders stiffened at my touch but slowly relaxed under my kneading finger work. "Thanks for taking care of me." With my arms completely around his shoulders and my lips grazing the outside of his ear he sighed, and I melted. "Now let me return the favor." He leaned into me, cursing under his breath until all I could hear were deep sighs of pleasure.

**"Bravery is not measured by the dragons slain, nor maidens preserved of their virtue, no not even the man who pulls the trigger. Bravery comes from how much love and trust you place in others." - TCH **


	14. Where Your Loyalties Lie

**Heeeeyyyy guys so don't be mad but I'm kinda jumping ahead in time. (Translation; she's skipping Goblet of Fire shenanigans) HEY COME ON! Look I'm not saying it won't be mentioned but I feel our narrative leads down another path. Also this chapter is a bit of a rollercoaster of emotions. So without further ado, exposition! **

_** Robin**_

There are few memories that I attach such feelings to that do not revolve around professor Snape.

The moment I saw Harry reapperate with Cedric, I knew something was wrong. Someone screamed, Harry was crying._ I couldn't leave him!_ I remember standing, people rushing to the both of them, hushed whispers and then Mr. Diggory clamoring over the corpse of his beloved son. Then Harry was carried away from Cedric. And I stood there.

Ministry officials were forcing people out of the arena, assuring that this was not the work of the dark lord and that Harry was driven delusional with the sight of a dead classmate. I don't remember who but I too was being dragged out of the seats and away from Cedric.

I couldn't stop looking at him, at Mr. Diggory. I stood there, waiting for the crowd to thin out. I stood there. Staring at Cedric's empty eyes that could do nothing but stare back at me. The black hollowness gripping my heart. There was nothing.

The remainder of my fifth year blurred into one of three thoughts; how had Cedric, a boy who seemed outright invincible died, if not from the dark lord? I knew him, talked to him, shared a common room with him and now I would never see or hear him again. All my time and energy went to professor Snape, a man who could never truly love me in return and now a classmate who I actually knew on a somewhat personal level was dead. Murdered. I would never have the chance to tell him…anything. The last thought was that professor Vaustali could have in some way been the cause of his death. Being that she had information about the school, about the students it was possible.

Since her dismissal, just before the second task of the tournament, I found myself drawing further from professor Snape. Despite her presence being the bane of my existence somehow she had forced professor Snape and I to interact more. It didn't bother me that they had been 'together', perhaps a little but really it was more that he maintained contact with her after she had left the school. He didn't give me answers as to why, he didn't have to. I was nothing but a nosey student. A pest who had found out too much.

Now that Cedric was dead and she could have had some involvement I was confused about everything I had been so sure of . My dorm was empty, it always seemed to be since the conclusion of the triwizard tournament. Counsel was being offered to us Hufflpuffs. And so I sat, my eyes out the window but not really seeing the scenery. My mind felt gray and slow, numb to everything but the small vial chained around my neck. When I was feeling sad about anything the smell of his hair brought if only temporarily, happy thoughts.

"How does one become a ghost?" I asked Myrtle the day before summer holiday.

"How should I know?"

"Seeing as you are one I would think my question is valid."

"I don't know, I died, woke up one day as this see threw mess." She tossed a roll of toilet paper at me, which struck my shoulder but I hardly registered it. She'd been doing it all morning.

"I mean did you, want to come back?"

"Not really. Are you hoping that Cedric will come back as a ghost?"

"Maybe."

"Would it make you feel better?"

"I don't know…" I buried my chin into my knees and pulled them closer to my chest.

"If it helps, if he died the way Harry says he did then he didn't feel a thing."

"Did you?"

"No, instant death while painful for our loved ones is the best for us."

"That makes sense." I mumbled now slouching against the wall. I gripped the necklace Myrtle had sent me last Christmas, I never asked how she'd gotten it. Although I feel like my imagination was far more humorous than the actual event itself.

"So, professor traitor is gone but it doesn't make you happy little Robin."

"She could have been the reason Cedric died. I can't imagine why Harry would lie about you know who coming back."

"The ministry has lots of imagination you know."

"Yes…"

"Robin, I don't know much but I do know that I'd take a basilisk over the ministry any day of the week. Stay out of their way. Best keep your head down or it'll get cut off." I sighed and picked myself up from the floor.

"I have to go, I'm supposed to be meeting the grief counselor. I have a long walk." Myrtle gave me a weak smile.

"Stay safe Robin. You're the only girl I can stomach in this school." I smiled and was quickly reminded that she was incapable of getting pats on the shoulder. 

_** Severus**_

It was not common that at the edge of summer the headmaster summons you to his office with the utmost urgency. When I appeared the headmaster was not alone. A married couple sat across from Dumbledore's desk as he greeted me. The both of them had matching puffy moist eyes looking at me. I stepped in and stood to the woman's left, keeping a fair distance from everyone.

"You wished to see me?"

"Professor Snape." The woman stood and extended her hand. I took it and her husband's same courtesy.

"Allow me to introduce Mr. & Mrs. Ryen." All of the sudden I wanted to sit down but kept my legs locked. 

"What can I do for you?"

"You may want to sit down Severus." 

"I'm comfortable where I am." Dumbledore stared into me but after a moment relinquished any further argument. 

"You recall Lena Ryen?" 

"I do." 

"It is unfortunate that her talents as a healer of the dark arts have caught the attention of certain radical groups. Since her refusal to align herself the death eaters and thus the dark lord they have been harassing her and her family until she accepts. Her mother and father have requested our assistance in this matter." 

"Why not the ministry?" 

"They too are involved. Miss Ryen is going into hiding with her parents as the newest order members. Her brother is in Romania studying dragons and so that leaves Robin who is still underage." 

Mr. & Mrs. Ryen then turned to me with their tired eyes. On the verge of breaking Mrs. Ryen spoke first. "Please help us." 

"I don't understand." More annoyed that they weren't being forthcoming with their request. 

"It is our wish." Mrs. Ryen swallowed hard and then composed herself to look at me. "It is our wish that Robin keep whats left of her childhood. Hogwarts is the safest place for her but we know she will want to be with her sister. We want her to finish school and…" 

"And?" I rose my brow and turned my attention to Dumbledore. 

"The Ryen's understand that Robin has applied for an apprenticeship under you for her seventh year and post Hogwarts career. They are hoping she will be accepted as your apprentice and therefore be able to stay at Hogwarts longer." 

"At the moment Miss Ryen has been accepted as my assistant for her sixth year, however the matter of her apprenticeship does not rest with only me. It is a long process which goes through the headmaster and the ministry." 

"The ministry has been made aware of her situation and has in advanced granted her the apprenticeship should the professor in question sign off on it." Dumbledore gave me a mischievous grin and slid the parchment over his desk which then floated into my hands. 

Her father finally spoke, his voice even weaker than her mother's. "We know how much Robin admires you, and we're hoping that this would help distract her with whats going on with Lena." 

"I am not here to distract Mr. Ryen. I am here to teach and put forth the well being of every student." 

"Severus please." Dumbledore again offered me a seat which I declined, this conversation was not going to last much longer as far as I was concerned. 

"Miss Ryen has an exceptional gift for potions. She is hard working, respectful and has expressed her intense interest in all that you've just described however…I think she has been unfairly excluded from this conversation and I will sign nothing until I speak to her about these matters." 

"Well then," Dumbledore said with the same smile as before. "Speak to her."

_** Robin**_

My face was almost in my cereal after my session with the grief counselor. It was a group session and those are always the worst. I don't think any of us liked them. But we went through the motions of it all. If one more person offered a shoulder to cry on or an ear I was going to start taking a page out of Myrtle's book and throw things at them. But I couldn't, they were just trying to help. The thing was, with a few exceptions of being alone I couldn't muster any sad feelings to show others I was coping normally.

When I felt sad I just thought about him. No, not Cedric like a normal person, my sour potions professor. Perhaps there was something wrong with me.

I gazed over to the Slytherin table as I often did. I bear love for my house but I was still envious of their dark green and silver. Their house leader and even the reputation of their cleverness. My day dreaming was interrupted by Draco Malfoy throwing a roll at me, which hit me square in the forehead. He laughed at his own joke but it only reminded me of something. I got up and moved to their table sitting just across from him. Normally the confusion on his face would have amused me but I hadn't the time for that.

"Hey can I ask you something?"

"What?" He spat still processing the situation. "Before you ask, even if you are a pureblood I'd never date a Hufflepuff." He snarked and took compliments from his friends at his, wit I suppose.

"Yeah no," As if I'd even consider this insufferable bleach blond brat. He may be Slytherin but let me tell you he could learn a thing or two from professor Snape regarding insults. Most of them came down to 'Potter!' or 'Weasley!' in fact the only effective one I had ever heard was calling Hermonie Granger a mud blood. Which was still a mistake on his part since she cocked him right in the nose for it. "that's not what I was going to ask."

"Well out with it ya stupid badger!"

"Badger? Oh right because I'm Hufflepuff." I rolled my eyes which seemed to equally surprise him as me sitting down in front of him. "Look I know you're a year behind me but are you applying for an apprenticeship?"

"A what?" he laughed but I could tell he didn't take my meaning to the word.

"Are you wanting to study under professor Snape?"

"Why would I do that?"

"I'm being serious. I need to know if I have any competition."

"What if I am?" He folded his arms and puffed a stray hair out of his face. "What are you going to do about it?"

Admittedly my next course of action was not, entirely rational. I gripped Malfoy by the collar and dragged him down to the table where I pressed my hand on the other side of his head. The motion caused his almost empty plate to fall off the table, shatter and cause everyone in the room to look at me. I lowered myself down to him.

"Listen here you pompous albino! I need to know if you're applying to appetence under professor Severus Snape and I need to know now! I know you're the only one other than me who would consider it, and I know people like you cheat so tell me-"

"Miss Ryen." That voice could command anything out of me and so I released Malfoy and turned to my revered professor and did my best not show the sudden joy surging through me. I knew he wouldn't be pleased with me shoving his prized pig into the table so I did my best to contain myself. I had been avoiding him for days but now I was so elated to be near him I couldn't careless about anyone else in the room.

There would be whispers undoubtly but I couldn't concern myself with that sort of thing anymore. If my devotion leaked out for everyone to see so be it, I would be a sixth year soon and it wouldn't matter after my seventh year. They could make fun of me all they like, spread rumors and taunt me, I didn't care. I'd be with him.

"You'll hear about this! You- you stupid Hufflepuff!" He struggled but Malfoy stood up and hurried out of the great hall.

"THAT THE BEST YOU GOT!? I've heard better comebacks from shrunken heads!"

"Miss Ryen…" Ever calm and still his voice again demanded I pay attention. "Aside from the weeks of detention you'll earn for assaulting another student once term resumes I need a private word…now." His glare turned to the rest of the hall and soon the giggles and in some cases all out laughter were silenced. "Please continue laughing as bystanders will also receive detention…"

Once inside his office, professor Snape broke his composure and threw me into a lounge chair near his desk. It smelt divine.

"Are you insane? Do you enjoy pushing me to the edge?!"

"I'm quite possibly insane, I mean have you heard me talk at all?"

"Silence!" I obeyed. Professor Snape clenched his fists turned back to me with a hand on either arm rest leaning into me. I found myself pushing as far back into the chair as I could, we've never been this close before, what was he doing? "Is this what you want?"

"What?" I opened and closed my mouth like a fish, mentally connecting the dots he'd just given me.

"You want me this close?"

"Professor I…"

"You're almost a woman now…" His hand came up to my cheek and tilted my chin up. "Will this make you happy?" With the better part of my jaw in his grasp he held it tight and pressed his lips on mine.

"Robin…?" I heard nothing, only felt the utter softness of his lips. "ROBIN!" the chair I sat in was kicked and professor Snape was on the other side of the room staring strangely at me. My head was out in open space, tilted to the side with my lips puckered in anticipation. "What are you doing?" His voice crossed with confusion and concern. I bit my lower lip and slouched back into the chair.

"Ahem…um what were you saying?"

"I was questioning your sanity but considering…" he winced until he found the words "the recent assault on Draco Malfoy and the very recent…air molestation, I see that is long overdue." I frowned and crossed my arms.

"Is this about my sister?"

"About your apprenticeship actually. And don't take that tone with me."

"Yes sir, sorry sir" I straightened up and mentally berated myself for getting too relaxed not to mention the random singular fantasy I'd just had in front of him.

"Dumbledore and your parents do want me to take you on as one however, I wanted to discuss it with you first."

"Yes sir." Please don't say no, please take me on, I can be serious. I will be dedicated the craft. I just want to be near you, for as long as I can.

"Do you still want it?"

"Yes sir." I said sharply and promptly. I didn't want him to think I had second thoughts.

"I'll make it so if you answer me honestly, do you truly want to study potions or are you seeking protection from the dark forces that are now hunting your family?" I was taken aback, he wasn't concerned about my never ending love for him? And how the two of us spending long hours into the night alone would effect that?

"That's all you want to know? You don't think I'm doing this to stay close to you?"

"I'm well aware that is in your line up of motives but lets start with these two first."

"The dark forces concern me, but only for my sister. She's brilliant and I can see why they want her. But I'm not worried about them for my personal safety. And yes I do love potions, beyond my love for you. Maybe it wasn't so at first but I do see its true value and I'm glad I have taken to it."

"Very well. There are two things I want you to understand before I sign this parchment."

"But you will sign it?!" I said leaping out of the chair which only earned me a glare and another command of silence.

"Sit. The first is that there is nothing Dumbledore or your parents could say to make you my apprentice. Had you been a mediocre student with a poor attitude I would have ripped this agreement before their eyes. As it is, you have a great aptitude for the subject and with each growing year I swear your classmates regress in their intelligence. Therefore I will need someone to curve my contempt for them."

"Kay…" was all I blurted out, he rolled his eyes and continued.

"The second is that the dark forces will begin targeting you and soon. They know your sister has incredible skill and it is no secret to them that you are not far behind with potions. The coming months are uncertain to me but if you stay close you may just learn a thing or two about survival."

"He's back isn't he? You're saying that…you'll protect me if it comes down to it?"

"No. I'm saying that if it comes down to it, the dark lord will have little interest in harming my assistant, my shadow."

"You're his servant aren't you?" There was a heavy silence between us. After a moment he leaned down towards his desk and signed the contract, extending the quill to me.

"No, I'm a spy. And if you don't sign this I'll oblivate you and tell Dumbledore you're not my problem." Before I could think twice my name was on the parchment in red ink, as was professor Snape's.

**Phew! Really hoping this is well received and some specific feedback would be nice! It can be my Christmas present! Or something! **

** "Theres nothing terribly wrong with feeling lost, so long as that feeling precedes some plan on your part to actually do something about it. Too often a person grows complacent with their disillusionment, perpetually wearing their 'discomfort' like a favorite shirt. I can't say I'm very pleased with where my life is just now, but I can't help but look forward to where its going." -JTHM **


	15. Be it With Sunsets and Traitors

**Hello hello, so this one doesn't so much accomplish much but I guess its thought provoking? Anyway I keep promising myself I wont do anymore sad stuff but it turns out I'm much better at drama/angst than humor so sorry about that. I'll do my best to get back on tract\k but seeing as how the next chapter is planed it should be more of the 'ha ha' stuff. **

_**Severus**_

There was a subtle beauty in watching Eva sleep. Like looking at a flower or a crystal shinning in the sun. She was best this way. Here there was truth, here there was innocence in her. No proclamations of loyalty to the dark lord or even me. Just, Eva. But much like flowers and crystals this moment was fragile. The image of her huddled with her knees in slightly towards her chest, her arms draped around her pillow with the last thought on her mind before she slept was me. It was all very pleasant to behold but it was almost a lie. Because when she would wake there would be talk of the dark lord, and us.

Us.

I should have known better. That even when it is done with the most shallowest intentions, once sex is introduced everything changes. There is such a closeness that one cannot deny. The physical one, obvious yes but along with it something happens when you lock eyes with someone whom you're inside of. Whose arms are tight around you, trying desperately to find a way closer to you. An infinite amount of connections are made, hands, lips, eyes, hips… I'm not one to be sentimental but being that I'd probably never have the chance of exchanging passionate declarations of love in the darkness this would be the closest I had ever been, or would be.

But this was not love. I enjoyed Eva's company but then I also begrudgingly enjoyed Robin's and that hardly equated to love. If I were to really think on it I'm not sure I'm capable of such a thing. Even with Lily, whom I thought I'd loved so much could not turn me away from the dark arts. The pulling desire to learn more, to delve deeper could not bring me back to her. If I had truly loved her wouldn't I have given everything up for her? Perhaps I didn't think she would do the same, or I was waiting for her to fight for me. To pull me back to her even if it was under platonic love.

Foolish.

As I lay here, I had what most would consider a favorable problem. Two women pledging their love and devotion to me. But for anyone who has been such a spot would be able to tell you that it is never as much fun as it looks. Even if Robin was of age I can't think that I would enjoy this any more than I do now. The both of them had so much in common than they realized.

The two of them were reflections of one another. Both in love with only one half of me. Neither seeing my entirety. It would mean certain death for both of them. Robin was closer I suppose. Now that she knew I was a spy but the extent to which I had gotten to that point was lost on her. How much I would have to do and not do as a servant to the dark lord, and to Dumbledore. The burden of knowing that this or that was going to happen and not being able to tell one side over the other for fear my position would be compromised.

And Eva only seeing myself as a traitor to Dumbledore, she knew of the boy who was lost and had nothing but an uncertain darkness inside of him. The Severus Snape who had no friends and turned to Voldemort as a way out. Yet I still have no friends and instead of a clean exit I'm more entangled than I'd ever wanted to be. 

Robin saw me as the martyr, traitor to Voldemort. My status as a former death eater posing as a shield to my true loyalty. No one would ever suspect professor Snape as an order member, spy for Dumbledore. She saw me as a pillar of knowledge and strength. Neither of which I'm sure I had much of anymore.

So here I am. Two women in love with the idea that I am a traitor.

I'm not fond of either light being cast down on me.

_**Robin**_

Over the summer there was a strangeness in the air between my family. We had a couple of weeks together before Lena and my parents were going into hiding. Sebastian even returned from Romania to be with us. The joy of being together again was at times eclipsed by the ever looming thought of what was to come. We were together now but soon all of us would scattered in different places for an undesignated time. Lena and my parents would know the whereabouts of me and my brother but he and I would never know if the three of them were safe, together, happy. All in the name of staying in the light.

After the first downfall of Lord Voldemort my father had discouraged us from revealing our pureblood status. Which is a strange thing for a pureblood father to say to his children, but as always he was looking at the bigger picture. Like others, he wasn't sure Voldemort was actually gone and was hoping that our name would somehow fall off of their list of pureblooded families. That the only time we would claim our status would be if the ministry turned its attention to half bloods and muggle borns.

I know it seems hypocritical to turn on and off the pride in our blood status but it was all in the name of self preservation. None of my family members were Slytherin, but my father and sister were both Ravenclaw, and they are no fools. While they may not have the instinct of Slytherin, they had the capacity to see when it was time to fight, and when it was time to run and hide.

We didn't hold any prejudice towards half bloods or muggle borns and my parents marriage was not arranged, it just turned out they both came from pureblood families. In the silence of doubt we had to tell each other that we were doing the right thing. We weren't fighting directly against Voldemort, not yet anyway.

But all we could do was being done. There were risks for my parents and Lena being a part of the order but it was the lesser of being a death eater. At least now, perhaps if the war ended in Voldemort's favor we would come together as a family and throw ourselves at his feet. In some ways it was safer to be a death eater, but then the dark lord could be just as cruel to his servants than his enemies.

We lived away in the country in a county called Devon. Frightfully far from anything at all, in fact we were almost as far from Hogwarts as we possibly could be without leaving the country. Mostly full of muggles but since our home was tucked away on the corner of the beach we could practice magic without being bothered. The air here was normally fresh with a hint of salt from the sea, the sunlight beaming down on the deep green grass hills that sloped down into the shore line. Now, the air was tense, straining to breathe in. The sun was bright but it seemed like a cruel joke on how dark everything felt.

I sat on one of the hills facing the sea. My feet crept down to where the sand and grass met and I remembered the strange sensation of warm sand and cold grass under my feet as a child. Trying to get both feelings equally on my feet. From down the hill I saw my brother and sister come out of the house heading my way. I stood and headed downward to meet them. Not far behind my mother and father came with a basket and blanket.

"Whats all this?"

"We thought we'd have a nice picnic like when we were kids." Sebastian said waving them over.

"Its windy out here."

"Come on little Robin." Lena said, tucking me under arm and directing me to the shoreline. "It'll be nice. For all of us."

We ate sandwiches and crisps, talked about work, and school and books. Sebastian told us about Charlie Weasley and how the two of them spent most of their days dodging fire breaths and bites from dragons. All of which made my mother shudder. At some point he'd made the joke that he was far safer with dragons and other beasts than Lena was dodging death eaters. It was meant to be funny but after he chuckled there was a somber realization that it was more than true.

We asked them about the order and if they would ever be able to tell us where they were. Of course the answer had been no but they seemed awfully torn they couldn't tell Sebastian and I. My mother and father seemed so worried about my older siblings but stayed secure in the fact that I was to be at Hogwarts for the next three years.

I told them about professor Snape and his deal about me being his apprentice. That he wanted me because of my own merits and not because Dumbledore had asked him to. My parents had agreed that the way they'd gone about it may have insulted me and they didn't mean it like that. My father told me he was proud. My mother agreed. And even Sebastian had little to say on the matter of professor Snape.

Sometime in the late afternoon Lena broke down and apologized for all of this mess. Each one of us assured her in our own way that it wasn't her fault. Had it been any of us we would have all wanted the same out of each other. That we were a family and that it meant more than just blood, we wanted the best for each member. We loved each other, wanted to protect each other. If that meant for Sebastian and I to be cut off them and each other and keep our heads down it would be worth it. 

Really it would be the most difficult for me, I was still underage, I still had the trace on me and I was still under the protection of Hogwarts and the ministry. I tried to think of professor Snape, that I would be near him, a light of sun striking through the gray clouds.

While my mother and Sebastian stayed behind on the shore, the rest of us flopped into the rolling waves calling from the sun set. The water was freezing but it was compensated by the warm air above. Lena and I used the tiniest bit of magic to fly higher on the waves only to plummet back down into the twisting water.

My father complained we were too fast and threw seaweed at Lena pretending she was some horrific monster. She shook it off and jumped on him, with his balance almost lost she beckoned me to finish the job. I leaped onto his front and wrapped my arms around his shoulders until he caved and brought all three of us into the sea. The both of them yanked me up by my arms and placed me on my feet where the water came to my waist.

"You alright Robin?" My father patted me on the back and I coughed up a mouth full of water. Spitting desperately to get the taste out of my mouth.

"Yeah." I said with another cough. "Damn wave got me." I moved towards the shore where my father was already heading, I looked back and saw Lena still standing with her eyes at the vanishing sun. I returned for her. "It'll be dark soon."

"How long until the sun rises?" She mumbled her eyes still fixed away from me.

"There is beauty in the night Lena…but the sun will rise again."

"Little Robin, what faith you have."

"I'm not so little anymore. And its not faith, its fact. Whatever happens the sun will rise once more. Perhaps with gray clouds and rain or horrible winds but it will come back."

"I'm afraid. For Sebastian, mom, dad, you…me."

"We all are." I reached for her hand and though still at first she returned my grasp. "But we have to believe everything will be okay. We'll worry about the bad stuff when it actually comes. But for now, we just have to believe we're all going to be okay."

"You know…I truly hope you take pride in being a Hufflepuff."

"I do."

"Still wish you were Slytherin?" I jerked my hand away and blushed. "I thought so." Lena laughed and finally faced me.

"How…how long have you known?"

"What, that you're in love with professor Snape?" I nodded with my eyes wrenched shut. "I donno. I kind of knew when you spent so much free time around him. Also one time I caught you staring at him at dinner. How anyone else didn't see I'll never know. Although after that you got a little more crafty in your gawking but being that I already knew it was still easy for me to see it."

"I'm gonna be sick."

"Don't worry, if anyone else knew the whole school would be talking about it. So I'm fairly sure everyone was far too busy in their own world to notice."

"I feel like this is supposed to make me feel better but…"

"You could do worse Robin." Lena said pulling me closer to the house where the rest of our family was already retreating to.

"He doesn't love me back." I said, sounding a little more disappointed than I wanted to.

"Perhaps but I think he values you as much as he can being that he's your professor and you're his student."

"You think I'll be safe, at Hogwarts?"

"Robin, if I was able to I would hide in the girls lavatory until the dark lord had been vanquished. I don't think there would be any place safer than there."

We made our own dinners, my father and I shared an oven baked pizza, my mother had leftover noodles, Sebastian ate another sandwich and Lena sat content with a cup of tea. Afterwards we moved into the living room and sat quietly with the telly on. I could be wrong but I think I was the last to fall asleep.

My parents stretched out on the sofa, tangled in each others arms, Lena was reading but drifted off to sleep in the armchair with a fleece tightly around her. Sebastian slept on the floor with the large down comforter from his room and I curled up on the love seat directly facing the telly. I watched all of them one by one with the hushed mumblings of the program on and the blue light cast against the darkness.

You know…I thought it was impossible for me to hate anyone more than professor Eva Vaustali. Yet as I sat with my fellow Hufflepuffs and listened to the head master make his announcements, there beside professor Snape in all of his dark, solid glory was this…person with a never ending smile on her face. Plastered from ear to ear her lips bent in a pleasant curve that suggested a well hidden beast underneath. 

Part of me envious that she could sit so close to him and part of me hating her for the same thing. Although I could not deny that the only other person who hated the arrangement more than I was the professor himself. I was happy to know I was not at the top of his list of nuisances. That is I still wanted to annoy him, he tolerated me so the fact that I could annoy him meant he felt something for me.

She hadn't even said anything yet but her vibrant outfit and pleasant sighs seemed like a disease to him. Just before the headmaster had begun his speech professor Snape had tried desperately to look somewhere other than her furry cardigan that brushed gently against him. In that small moment his eyes connected with mine and he sarcastically screamed in silence for assistance. I smiled and to my astonishment it forced a small smile out of him as well. When my expression of happiness grew more apparent he looked away towards the head of Gryffindor house who somehow shared the same feelings about Miss pink.

"Good luck to Dolores Umbridge for the post of defense against the dark arts." While it benefited me greatly that professor Snape was maintaining his position as potions master for the sake of me and my future apprenticeship, it was unfortunate to see a job like that go to someone who clearly had no experience in those matters.

It was no secret that he wanted to teach DADA and every year it was thrown to someone who was either; incompetent, a werewolf, insane, and now this woman. And how could I forget Voldemort's parasitic stage my second year.

Granted I enjoyed Lupin and Moody's classes but I felt it was suited for someone who took it a little more seriously. The dark arts was nothing to mess around with and while they took more direct approaches it wasn't always practical. They both undermined the seriousness of the effects the dark arts had on not just its victims but those who studied it.

"Ahem em em." The great hall stopped quietly and watched as Miss Pink stood and moved to speak to all of us. Even professor Snape seemed disgusted by her interruption enough that he looked at her curiously to where she was going with this.

I didn't know much about this woman, I now knew her name was Dolores Umbridge, she worked for the ministry, wore an excessive amount of pink and after her short speech, I hated her.

**Oh snap, everyone's favorite, (favorite? Sure lets go with that) villain is up in Hogwarts now. My god things are getting complicated now. **

**"The best villains are the ones who are most human. Those who don't see themselves as wrong. Perhaps they're not, perhaps it is all in perspective and the means to achieve one's goals are all that separate us from chaos and order." -TCH**


	16. The Woman in Pink

**I think this is my longest chapter yet. Huh…well folks I tried to make this as light hearted as possible. At least post Eva's POV. I have a vague idea where this little tale is going. (because that's what you want to hear the writer say right?) But we're hammering out the details as we go. Thanks again for all you loyal readers/followers/favoriters….is that a word? I know I haven't mentioned this yet but I think it goes without saying that I don't own Harry Potter, its characters, designs or anything at all. Right then, lets go chaps!**

**_Eva_**

I had been given very strict instructions not to say a word during the meeting. There were few chairs for outer circle members in these meetings and my unasked for opinion would hinder my return. I was also told that the only reason my presence had even been considered was due to my recent time at Hogwarts.

This particular meeting concerned Harry Potter but more importantly the eventual control of the school itself. There were now faces, to the names I'd heard over and over at other gatherings for servants such as myself. Their smirks disappeared as the door on the far end of the dinning hall of Malfoy manor shot open. Filtering in first was Lucius and his wife taking their seats next to one another close to the head of the table.

The two remaining seats were the head of the table and the one just to its right. Whether done deliberately for a symbolic purpose or coincidence was unknown to me. After the Malfoy's Severus strode in silently and after him was the dark lord himself. The air changed suddenly once he and his snake companion entered and took their seats. It felt as though everyone took their breaths cautiously. The dark lord scanned the table and pointed directly at me with a light chuckle.

"Who is that?" Severus seemed surprised to see me there and answered in the deafening silence.

"Miss Eva Vaustali, up until recently she was sharing reconnaissance with me at Hogwarts."

"On whose orders?" Voldemort snapped at Severus.

"Prior to your revival my lord." Severus spoke slowly but precise. "Some of our ministry officials felt it necessary…" Severus narrowed his stare to Pius just long enough for the dark lord to notice. "To monitor my activities at the school. However, I assure you that Miss Vaustali never doubted my loyalty with you. She was instrumental in gathering information on some of the lesser known pureblood families at Hogwarts."

"I see." The dark lord mused with his hand stroking his pet. "I don't enjoy repeating myself so please listen closely. If any of you have any doubts or reservations about any of my servants…especially one such as Severus who perhaps is the most useful and competent out of all of you, let them speak now." No one did of course. It meant disagreeing with the dark lord's judgment, it meant pain, it meant death. "Very well. Then I will deal with any further insubordination or as I like to refer them as, questions, with a result equal to their insult. Now, Severus you were saying."

"Her time at Hogwarts came to an end just months before your rebirth."

"Why?"

"The position was always meant to be temporary. Professor Flitwick returned at that time and she left the school."

"And what, Miss Vaustali, ridiculous name by the way, did you do during your time at Hogwarts?" Severus' eyes connected with mine for a moment and I heard his voice as though he were speaking aloud to everyone in the room.

_ Don't lie, he will know. Speak with as much grace and steadiness as you can muster, he despises weakness and fear._

"My lord I-"

"Actually, how did you come to know of Severus' status as a death eater? Was Pius stupid enough to tell you?"

"I was informed…" I swallowed. "By Pius, that Severus needed to be watched carefully."

"What exactly were you watching for?"

"His activity around Harry Potter, the amount of times he went to Dumbledore alone."

"And you found nothing suspicious?"

"No my lord."

"Of course not." The dark lord answered with a smile that made my stomach run cold. "Well go on my dear."

"At the end of the first term I determined that Pius and the others were mistaken. That Severus was as loyal as ever. I revealed myself to him as a spy. From then we worked together to gather information and filter it back to the others. Severus has many eyes on him so it was safer for me to relay all we had discovered instead of him."

"Hah!" The dark lord laughed quietly. "Sadly some of those eyes are in his own circle. Pity that you couldn't maintain your post there." The dark lord sat back in his chair and inhaled deeply. "Although I'm told we may have a friend in Dolores Umbridge who has taken the spot of defense against the dark arts professor. Tough break Severus." It was obviously meant as a joke and so everyone but Severus chuckled lowly. 

"She is sympathetic to our cause." Lucius said. 

"When I want your opinion I'll ask for it Lucius. But since you already have your gums flapping go on." As Malfoy senior went on about Umbridge, Severus spoke again to me, only me except without the eye contact. 

_Well done._

**_Robin_**

When I was small I used to watch old movies with my father. I remember one in particular was about these Chinese warriors. There was a pivotal change for one of the characters and in a quiet moment kneeling before a river he cut off his long hair. I couldn't tell you the name of the movie or the character or even the basic plot of the story but I remembered that. It was a dramatic act of self realization and change. I stood in my bathroom mirror and decided I would follow suit.

Still wet from the shower I pulled my hair into a pony tail and turned my head to the side deciding just how short I should go. I held the scissors tentatively, slowly creeping up the length of my hair and with my eyes shut I took a deep breath and closed the blades together. The slice echoed in my ears and the strain of holding my heavy hair up wilted. I opened my eyes and frowned slightly, I hadn't meant for it to be that short but there was no going back now. I sighed and tossed my severed hair in the trash and ruffled my hair to release any loose strays.

It was obvious that professor Snape noticed the new length but he wouldn't dare comment on how my long copper hair was now barely clinging to my head. I stood at his desk while he finished his written thoughts.  
>"How was your summer Miss Ryen?"<p>

"Good." was all I could say and still be truthful. It had also been agonizing and tearful. I would have asked him the same if I thought he would answer.

"Have you got your schedule straightened out?"

"Yes sir." I placed a copy of it on his desk. "I'm with you Tuesday mornings and all day Thursday."

"Which means the remaining of your week is heavy with your own school work is that correct?" He said finally looking up at me.

"Yes sir."

"I will leave you to your own devices on the weekends should you not fall behind."

"Yes sir."

"We have some ground rules to cover so lets not waste time." His hand pointed to the stool just off to the side of his desk. I dragged it over and sat directly across from him. "I expect you half an hour before classes start every Tuesday and Thursday." Which meant I would show up an hour before. "This year is in preparation for your apprenticeship next year and the one following, therefore I will ask more of you than most professor's assistants would normally do."

"Yes sir."

"Assuming you don't fall behind with your own school work, your seventh year will consist of three core classes and the rest of the time will be spent with me." Oh how horrible. "During classes you will address me as 'sir', 'professor' or 'professor Snape'. Anything else and I will curse you with an enlarged tongue. You will only sit at my desk when I am not present or you have been given permission. Do you understand?" He didn't give me time to answer. "As such you will not question my methods of teaching, especially during lessons. "Regrettably most of your time will be grading essays and homework I can no longer stomach. However, you will also assist me in checking the abysmal concoctions presented as potions. Lastly you will hold any remedial lessons needed by years one through five. The others…" he sighed. "I will deal with."

"Yes sir."

" In the future, I may designate other tasks to you to prevent me from poisoning the dunderheads." He glanced at the time and then back to me. "First years should be here momentarily, take role and have them write as many potions as they know." I nodded and watched him leave.

On his desk the list of students sectioned by house and from there alphabetically. I leaned against the outside of his desk as the first years entered timidly. Their faces went from scared to confused relief when they saw me instead of the infamous potions master they'd heard so much about.

"Please sit down quietly." They obeyed, that was a strange sort of thing. Thankfully everyone was present and I wouldn't have to deal with leaving the class to go find a wandering first year that would face the wrath of the Slytherin professor. Again I was grateful that they were too scared to question me when I gave them the assignment.

Not long after their quills started scratching did the door burst open and erupting from it was professor Snape striding through the class. I stepped aside so he could take his place in the center front of the class.

"There will be no foolish wand waving or silly incantations in this class." He turned briskly and faced the terrified first years. "As such, I don't expect most of you to appreciate the subtle science of potions. However, for those of you with the predisposition."

Normally at this point of the speech (which I'd memorized and held back the urge to sync my lips with his) he would nod at a Slytherin but this time his eyes drew attention to me. Thankfully I hadn't noticed it until he went on about the various fantastic things he could teach them. Many of which would be lost on them. Potions was a difficult subject all on its own but with professor Snape's expectations it was more so. I suppose it was my job to help with that.

"Now then." He began and I snapped out of my stupor. "You're lucky enough to have a professor's assistant. You will address her as Miss Ryen and you will take her word almost as though it were mine."

Almost. I'd never possess such knowledge and skill as he.

"Because of her dedication to potions she has given up the chance to be a prefect to help with your education. Thus she will have your respect." Never did I have the desire to be a prefect but I suspect that part of the speech was to impress the importance of my position. "Lets begin with-"

"Hem hem hem." There in the open doorway stood Umbridge. Her outfit similar to the one the day before. A lavender knee length skirt with pink flowers lined at the hem and waist. Matching the color of the flowers was a sweater tightly clinging to her.

She stepped in without being invited, the clicks of her heels echoing in the dungeon. Her smile was worse than Vaustali's, at least my former charms professor had the decency to be subtle about her pleasures. Professor Snape watched her carefully, she stood right next to him and he made a very obvious move to his left, closer to me.

"Good morning children." She sang. "Don't fret, I'm here for a series of many evaluations of all of your professors. At all years." She turned to professor Snape and made a short giggle. "So don't mind me and…" she tilted her head towards me. "And who, Snape, is this?" My eyes widened. How dare she address him so improperly! My mouth opened to scold her and perhaps more than professor Snape noticed. A wave of his hand forced my silence.

"This is Miss Ryen, my assistant. She is applying for an apprenticeship so she is here to learn above all." Umbridge ignored the professor and with her beaming smile moved towards me.

"Ah, what a clever girl you must be." She patted my head that I had almost dodged. "But I see you're from Hufflepuff house, how extraordinary."

"Not really." I snapped. "I work hard at potions and with professor Snape's help I could possibly be selected by the ministry to work under him." A quick smile twitched in my mind, it was a lie of course, I had already signed the contract, and so had he. Her smile endured as she turned back to professor Snape.

"Well please don't let me interrupt with the lesson." He kept a silent glare at her for a moment as she began to take notes.

"Miss Ryen, show our first years where we keep our cauldrons. Quickly." I lead them into the supply closet and distributed a small iron cauldron to each of them and for every two students summoned them back for a medium one that would be used for group projects. Once seated, professor Snape began writing a list of the most common ingredients they would encounter their first term.

"Thus the compounds of blackwood are the base of many beginners potions because…" he waited for an answer and when one did not present itself in a timely manner he nodded to me. "Miss Ryen?"

"Due to its absorbency it tends to self correct any miscalculated measurements of other ingredients."

Umbridge seemed bored to tears until he called on me for answers. I didn't mind being used as a glorified soundboard. It was obvious that's what was happening, he hadn't expected any of them to actually know the answers. The Hermoine Grangers of the world were too few and the Weasleys too many.

It was in his own way a demonstration of his success as a professor and his pride in me. The first years would sway their heads to me any time I was called to answer a question, or rather assist with the lecture. Their eyes wide at how much I knew. This verbal dance we did in front of Umbridge was perfect, like it had been rehearsed.

Thankfully Umbridge hadn't reappeared for evaluations until Thursday. I later concluded she was actually just following Harry around. Since she excused herself after the class was over. The fifth years class was much smaller and so Umbridge felt more comfortable with her constant interruptions. She always apologized beforehand but it only served to waste time since everyone knew she wasn't the least bit sorry for it.

I was not excused from questioning either, except most of my questions regarded my house and my blood status. I did enjoy that Umbridge seemed to be absolutely dumbfounded that first off, a Hufflepuff would spend any amount of time near professor Snape than was necessary. Next to Gryffindors he picked on them the most. And secondly that with my pureblood I had no intention of doing anything 'useful'. Towards the end of class she returned her inquires back to our potions master.

"You applied first for the defense against the dark arts post, is that correct?" He stood stiffly as she circled around him. Not hiding his revulsion.

"Yes…"

"But you were unsuccessful?" I sat at his desk and noted Ronald Weasley hide a chuckle.

"Obviously…" Clearly Umbridge took pleasure in reminding him that she was now teaching the subject and needed nothing more from him. Once she stepped out of the class I could see my potions master mind moving. With the light text book firmly in his hand and no warning he struck Ron square in the back of the head. His fellow Gryffindors did their best to hide their laughs. Even Harry hid away his smile and refocused himself back to the text.

When the class had gone I stayed behind to straighten out the shelves of flasks and glass cauldrons. Out of the stillness professor Snape stood a few feet behind me and said barely above a whisper,

"I hate that woman." I nodded, yes, this year would be difficult with her around. "How are you Robin?" I turned to face him.

"Professor?"

"Half of your family has gone into hiding have they not?"

"Oh…yes. I'm alright." And the truth is, I was alright. I wasn't sure how but when I was focusing on potions, or him I was able to keep my heart from wrenching like in the quiet moments alone.

I made sure they didn't last long, I would reread his essays from the book Lena had given me, take a walk or in desperate times smell the lock of hair trapped in the vial around my neck. I hardly ever brought out the letter he had written me in my fourth year, the parchment was fragile and fraying at the edges. He had to believe me on the grounds I was a horrendous liar, and we both knew it.

"Very well." He turned and swept back to his desk. "You are excused."

**And because this song has been stuck in my head and believe it or not helped me press on with this chapter here's your end quote. **

**"I love myself, I want you to love me. When I'm feeling down I want you above me. I search myself I want you to find me. I forget myself I want you to remind me. I don't want anybody else, when I think about you I touch myself." **

**Can't you just imagine Robin singing this in the shower?**


	17. Loophole for a Later Date

**I have this compulsion to post a chapter like every three days. Its weird. Anyway I hope you guys have a little fun with this one, Robin gushes/fan girl's out. Which is what I totally would do. What? NO Robin isn't a satirical personification of raging fangirls who may or may not be a sort of conduit of myself. Psh...you guys are crazy. She's just...eccentric. Right on with the show. Cherrio now! **

**_Robin_**

"Can I come out now?" I whined, feeling cramped in his storage closet. My nose had been planted against the brick wall with the door just barely open. "Professor Snape…?"

"What did I say Miss Ryen?"

"Not to sing that 'infernal song' anymore."

"And what, Miss Ryen did you continue to do?"

"Its stuck in my head! Haven't you ever had a song stuck in your head?" I leaned further into the wall, sighing out my frustration. The door behind me swung open, my potions master demanding I face him and stared down at me with a raised brow. Sometimes I forgot how tall he is. It was never more apparent than when he stepped close, mere inches away towering over me. I think he enjoyed his above average height.

"Learn self control." Before his tone was dry but I could hear his slight enjoyment out of my childish punishment. Now it was sharp, entirely serious. "Especially if you have any hope to be my apprentice."

"But I already am your apprentice."

"To which I have the power to dismiss you should the desire arise. And if you don't learn to disconnect your mind from your mouth you may find yourself one less potions master."

"What about your shadow?"

"Lets hope it doesn't come to that." Professor Snape turned to his locked cabinet and without permission I came out of my tiny prison. He made no mention of it so I assumed my punishment was at an end. Before I could ask what he was looking for he slammed his cabinet shut and handed me a small vial. Perhaps an inch and a half long, slender glass container with a silvery liquid inside.

"What is it?"

"Its mostly known as a blocking potion, do you know what that means?"

"Uncommon elixir. Considered 'old' magic. Several complex compounds are used to block a certain emotion, thought or…memory."

"Like a text book." Professor Snape said dryly and handed me a parchment. "All the ingredients you need are in my stores, I've made the instructions as clear as I can make them though I don't doubt you could have figured it out." He returned to the other side of his desk and looked at the time. "You're dismissed until eleven o'clock." It was only nine thirty, why so early?

"I don't understand. Whats this potion for?" Professor Snape leaned back in his chair and considered his next thought. "I mean, if you want me to stop singing I can-"

"It tastes horrible I'm afraid, and you will build a tolerance to it so do use it sparingly." It seemed ages ago but… "No, I'm a spy" Spy for who? He didn't say. But seeing as how he was aware of my family in hiding it must be for Dumbledore. That if it came down to it, the dark lord wouldn't be interested in his…shadow.

"How does it work? Do I choose the thing I want to block or…" He sighed and stood up again.

"The advantage of it is its very hard to detect, works instantly and is able to block any thoughts that may be victim to probing."

"Vold- he, he will want to read my mind?"

"Possibly. There are other ways, much more difficult ways to teach someone to fight off unwanted guests in their mind however, you do not have the time or discipline to learn such things."

"Why not?!" I said hotly.

"Because you are a horrible liar. Occlumency requires a person to have a calm mind free of emotion, both of which you lack, Miss Ryen."

"Occlumency?"

"A very advanced and rare form of magic. If you want to know more I suggest you try the library. You are excused until classes resume." This was his way of ending the conversation. I clutched the slender vial he'd given me, until it was safely tucked away next to his letter. This always happened anytime we had a conversation that stepped beyond potions or classes.

My mind tugged at the question, why was he going through all of this trouble? Why not oblivate me when he had the chance? Now he was giving me illicit potions to keep my mind free if it, if it comes to that…what is that? Voldemort rising to power once again? Defeating Harry Potter? The ministry?

"Why?" The question was already out of my mouth before I had the chance to think about it. So much for self control. I waited and after a few moments of him thankfully, not shouting at me he answered.

"Because like it or not, you're involved. And so am I. You…are…excused."

This time it was not a suggestion, he made that clear. Something told me there was more to that statement than I realized just now. I didn't have time to pick apart his cryptic warnings, I had my own school work to worry about. In the past I was able to ignore my other classes and come out with average grades at best while excelling in potions. Now that was no longer the case. Professor Snape demanded a lot of me and while I strived to fulfill every expectation, the other subjects in my schedule were not letting up.

Umbridge was overseeing study hall. All the sudden I would rather dodge professor Snape's wrath than hear that wretched half giggle she coughed up every time she wanted emphasis. Not to mention the ridiculous noise she made when trying to interrupt politely. Her outfit as usual made my eyes burn at just the sight of it. I'll never understand how anyone could be so comfortable owning that many shades of pink. I sat down without any consideration which 'house' was predominately sitting there at the time. As it was, the table was a variety of all the houses except Slytherin. Sadly it always seemed like their predisposition was to be exclusive to their own house. Now more so with the presence of the dark lord becoming more apparent. No matter what the ministry said. I nodded to Harry and Hermione who sat across from me. The ginger boy was nowhere in sight.

"Hey Harry." I said nonchalantly and the both of them seemed to be surprised I had said anything at all. I looked back confused. "Did I say something wrong?"

"No, nothing like that." Harry ducked his head closer to the table as Umbridge rounded the far end of the table but instead of heading our way circled the next one over. "Its just…"

"A lot of people aren't exactly friendly with Harry these days." Hermione cut in, Harry gave a fake smile of thanks for her explaining.

"Oh…right." Cedric's hallow eyes flashed in my mind, then in an instant they were back at Harry's.

"How are things going with Snape?"

"Professor Snape Harry, well enough." The toad, as Harry had oh so affectionately named Umbridge, was getting closer to us and so we resumed our silent studying. Thankfully I was able to get most of my homework out of the way. It was about fifteen minutes until eleven so I packed my things, said farewell to Harry and Hermione and headed for the dungeons.

By the time I got to potions, all the third years had seated themselves. It was learned early on that you did not arrive to professor Snape's class late, even if he was. It was almost eleven and still no potions master.

The third years looked to me. A glance down at the lesson plan told me they were supposed to start antidote for uncommon poisons. Which meant they were supposed to find the ingredients on their own. So I wasn't sure what the plan for today was-

"Can I ask you a question?" One of the third years, a Hufflepuff actually, raised their hands.

"Uh sure." I straightened up.

"What you doin' with professor Snape?"

"Pardon?" I choked on the word.

"Yeah." A Gryffindor chimed in. "You're Hufflepuff so-"

"Okay listen here. Just because I'm Hufflepuff, or rather not Slytherin, doesn't mean I can't be good at potions."

"Yeah but, why are you working for him?"

"Because I want to be a potions master." I do? Huh, I guess I do. Well that settles my young adult crisis of occupational direction.

"But, ain't hard, working for him? I mean he's mean to us but only for an hour or so but you, you're with all the time." The Hufflepuff asked.

"I- well…" I couldn't tell them the truth. No matter how bad of a liar I am. That I gravitated to potions because of the glorious man in black that stalked the halls and owned these dungeons. "Professor Snape can be harsh there's no doubt about that, he has a short temper, little patience for incompetence, very sarcastic and doesn't hide favoritism to his house."

"Right so…"

"Right! But he's a genius. If you actually listen to his lectures you'd realize it. He does a lot for the school that people don't see. The infirmary I mean, how do you think it gets stalked? The potions, elixirs, and balms just manifest themselves? No, professor Snape and now me, make them. He has little time on his hands after all he's a potions master, do you know what that means?"

They stared at me, attentive but in silence.

"Well other than a whole lot of school, you have to study under a potions master for many years. For a mastery you need to specialize in at least three out of the six areas of the art. But anyone worth their salt trying to be a potions master will go for at least four or five. Professor Snape has specialized in all six. Including the ones concerned for the dark arts. He's the only one in the United Kingdom and only one of three in Europe. Antidotes, poisons, elixirs, serums, powders, gels! Only one person in the whole bloody country knows how to make them all, perfectly. Not to mention other branches of magic that come in handy with a knowledge of potions."

"So…?"

"So professor Snape isn't the most pleasant fellow but he's dedicated to the craft and has a vast knowledge of it. And he's here teaching you, teaching me."

"But then…" the Gryffindor went on "Why is he so mean?"

"Thirty points…" Professor Snape strode in, his sudden presence made the class eerily quiet. "From Gryffindor. Now then Miss Ryen if you're done putting me on a pedestal may I start my class or shall I take points from your house as well?"

"No sir."

Lucky for me he disliked being insulted more than praised. Just how long had he been standing there? Long enough to hear me gush. Which means he sat and listened to me go on and on (probably sounding like a lunatic). What a mess. As I suspected after some quick instructions he released them to the grounds to collect their ingredients. I remember when my class did this potion, ecstatic we got to leave and gallivant around the school during the day. I'm certain it was no different for them, almost as certain that my words had meant nothing to them.

Which was fine I suppose. I had been far too careless in defending my dear Slytherin. Loud, protective and passionate. All to show them that he was more than a grumpy professor who was far too intelligent to be trying to instruct and fill these hollowed out cantaloupes they called brains. But they did not see, nor would they ever understand that no person, is born as the rigid man he is now. A man who torments his students no better than a bully, a man who uses slicing sarcasm to get through any conversation. 

No, our dear potions master was cultivated by those who had abandoned him. I swore, if only to myself to stay by his side, through anything.

**Next time we may actually advance some plot…maybe…thanks for sticking around to see how this turns out! **

**"Purity that demands exclusion is not pure at all." -Jeff from Community**


	18. The Mirror's Edge

**Hey heres a fun little cocktail for the holidays I call it the "Knighted Welshman" **

** Shot of dark rum**  
><strong> Disarono (or amaretto) about half way in your cup<strong>  
><strong> Coke for the other half<strong>

** Or if you're not into soda; almond milk is also tasty. **

** And lots of ice. **

** Sorry guys this chapter might be weird, its possible that I'm under the influence of alcohol, hard to say. Don't drink kids, unless you're old enough in your respective countries. The original plan for me today was to clean and do laundry but that can wait til Sunday. For now I'll get tipsy and write. So even though it's a bit early Happy Holidays!**

_**Robin**_

I had only been invited to Dumbledore's army until after its second meeting. I was told by Harry that it wasn't personal and that they were trying to get organized and only wanted to be open to other houses until they got their head on straight. I had agreed to come to help the young ones with the harder spells. The whispers told me that Harry knew how to produce a patronus charm which was really the only thing I was interested in. First to see if it was true, and second to learn how myself. The phrase "If it comes to it." kept ringing in my mind. So I went and did my best to teach the others what I knew. Finally at the fourth meeting, close to the Christmas break Harry mentioned the patronus charm.

"So it's a bit complicated." He stuttered but composed himself after his eyes locked onto the girl next to me. Cho, a Ravenclaw same year as Harry. "But all you have to do is think of a really powerful memory, the happiest one you can imagine and speak the incantation. Expecto Patronum. Now don't be discouraged if its just the shield that comes out, that will be enough for dark forces to feed off of. If you can expel a corporal form that's great, but it takes a lot of work."

"Corporal? What do you mean?" One of the first years squeaked out.

"It means." Hermione stopped waiting for Harry's approval to continue, it was granted. "It means a physical form. Usually that of an animal is produced by your magic and is like a guardian. The animal resembles a person's personality or reference to someone they care deeply for. For example…" She stopped and looked back at Harry who nodded again allowing her to continue. "Harry's patronus charm is a stag, like…like his father's. Or so we've been told by professor Lupin."

"Right." Harry stood up and moved to the middle of the room. "I'll demonstrate. The motion is a bit circular like this." Harry drew his wand hand up and over his head once it reached back to the front he spoke the incantation "Expecto patronum!" From his wand a stag jetted out with a smoky texture, it stood by him for a moment and pranced around the room until it faded.

"A memory?" I stepped forward as the rest of the army stood in awe of such an advanced spell.

"Yeah" Harry cleared is throat. "Any powerful, happy memory, let it fill you up, concentrate on it." The concept was easy enough, but the execution of it proved to be most difficult. At first I tried the moment on the beach with my family. It produced a shield but no guardian, I was determined to see the corporal form. Harry, Hermione, and Ron were all able to produce their corporal forms. Even Luna and Ron's brothers were successful. I was afraid to think of anything more powerful than my family.

I thought, somehow that Harry would be able to see my thoughts. It was bad enough that three, four if you count Myrtle, knew about my love, adoration of professor Snape. How for years I had stalked him, learned his daily routines, his eating habits, read every piece of scrap he'd written, which had been collected and cataloged by yours truly. So I held back. But it was more of a hindrance. I knew deep down my happiest memories were with the sour old potions professor.

"How about…:" Harry suggested, in a hushed whisper he took me aside after seeing my difficulties. "When you first got um..,I donno your first really hard potion right."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Harry, do you know anything about occlumency?" His brow ruffled and then straightened.

"I'm afraid I'm rubbish at it." His tone was confused as though the word itself should have been a secret. I sighed, calming myself, there is no way he'd be able to see, just do it. "How do you…" And then suddenly he realized where it had come from. "Professor Snape, did he…"

"Mentioned in passing, nothing more." Harry gave a weak smile and encouraged me to keep trying while moving onto someone else. My shield was strong, impenetrable but still no animal form. I'd have to concentrate on this later. Think deeply about a memory that had me so elated I could hardly fathom it actually happened. It occurred to me that it may be dangerous to reveal my patronus to the others, what if it was…obvious?

"Can you do it professor?" I asked one Thursday morning while we waited for the fifth years to filter into class.

"Do what? A Patronus?" he smirked. "Of course."

"Oh…" I said blushing. My mind wandered to all sorts of possibilities as to what could trigger his patronus, and what form it took.

"Why are you dabbling in such advanced magic anyway?" He looked up for only a moment. I turned from the shelf I was stalking and stepped down from the ladder. I plopped down on the top step that was about half my height. His eyes narrowed at me before returning to the paperwork calling his attention.

"Just a bit of reading I came across."

"Thought you'd broaden your horizons eh?"

"I have other interests, outside of potions." I said in a huff returning to my work. The jars were compressed tightly of ingredients, heavy with liquid preserving them. It took me quite some work to get them from the floor to the shelves. Professor Snape insisted I do it by hand as my levitation skills were not perfect along with the possible explosion of the jars, they may not be straightened correctly. The price I paid for focusing only on his class.

"Do you?" He huffed with a half chuckle.

"Yes." I declared as the last jar was placed safely on the shelf I sat on the top step again.

"Tell me, what are your plans for the holidays?" His eyes, still focused on the task at his desk.

"I hadn't thought much about it. My family is with the order, my brother with dragons…"

_** Severus**_

Her voice drifted, normally it was chipper and curiously invulnerable to any sort of attack. Robin bit down on her nails, a horrid habit I had tried to break her of and for the most part was successful however, in times of distress, her nails became her last meal.  
>"Will you be staying here? At Hogwarts?"<p>

"I don't know. I guess so." Her expression was…sad. Like the thought hadn't occurred to her until now. The sudden realization that for the first time she wouldn't be with her family, no longer a child. She recovered quickly, I'll give her that. "What about you sir?"

"At home, of course."

"I gathered." I raised a brow to her. "I mean- I know you have a home…outside of Hogwarts. You've never stayed around, at least, since I've been here."

"Your notice of my movements have been noted and most assuredly are disturbing." She smiled and came forward, sauntering in her now pleasant mood until her hands reached the edge of my desk. Unfortunately none of my glares worked on her anymore, only the raising of my voice could get her attention. "By the way."

"Yes?" She snapped back to our conversation.

"You gave Mr. Potter curiously high marks on his last paper, care to explain?"

"Well he was a bit rough in his conclusion but his thesis was well defined and the rest of his paper-"

"Abysmal. Several misspellings and his handwriting."

"I gave him a solid B, I thought it was fair."

"You are too generous my dear Hufflepuff." The beginnings of the fifth years came in, some timidly. Potter came in with the second wave, he looked at me with a narrowed glare, as though he had heard mine and Miss Ryen's conversation just now. She was too generous to him. He had that effect on people. Even Miss Granger who obviously assisted him with his last assignment.

She was far too intelligent to be slagging around with those fools she called friends. If her and Miss Ryen put an ounce of brain power together they could rule the school. As it is, Miss Granger was sorted into Gryffindor and would be subjected to the two dunderheads she had the misfortune of befriending. As for Miss Ryen she had me…and a ghost. Perhaps I'm mourning the wrong student.

Clearly I assumed too much out of my fifth years. Only two Slytherins and Miss Granger managed to get the assignment right. Lets see who to pick on…Longbottom, no too easy, Weasley, at least had the consistency down. Ah yes, as always….

"Potter." I hovered over his potion, sneering at him, the look was returned but in silence. "Well you have one thing right Potter, it is in fact in a cauldron. Otherwise I'd say you're no better than a second year. Seems my time has been wasted…Miss Ryen, see if you can remedy our boy savior from failing this assignment." She smiled when propositioned and stayed with the boy wonder until all was left was the stirring cycles.

"You got it then?"

"Yeah I think so." Their smiles faded once I approached from Miss Ryen's left.

"Lets see what you've got." Potter scooted his cauldron towards me. "Well it seems Miss Ryen's education hasn't gone to waste. If you botch up another assignment I'll have you in remedial classes. You're dismissed."

At the end of the evening my left arm burned. He was calling. After a quick note to Dumbledore of my whereabouts I apperated to the Malfoy's. It was quiet there, only about half the death eaters present when I made my way to the dinning hall. Lucius seemed to be running the meeting and looked up with a crooked smile.

"Ah Severus…"

"Lucius…" I looked from wall to wall, no dark lord, then how-

"The dark lord is currently in my office. He has urgent matters to speak with you about. So urgent and so private he doesn't wish to share it with the rest of us." His voice sang in sarcasm but still well meaning to me. I nodded with a slight bow and approached the closed door with caution. Whispers was all that presented to me. Before entering I gave a knock and was commanded by the rasping voice to enter.

"Severus…" the dark lord smiled, as much as one such as he could do and offered me a chair. There was the liberty with Dumbledore of not having to sit if your body and mind ran in circles, demanding a pace or slight movement to settle your nerves. With the dark lord, you did not refuse anything that was given. Between us a fire bellowed in the Malfoy's impressive fireplace. The flames changed from green, to orange and blue until the cycle repeated itself. Slowly the colors merged into one another giving life to one shade for only a minute or so before transitioning into the other. I sat as tightly as I could manage myself.

"My lord."

"Severus, how are things at our favorite educational institution?"

"Umbridge is making things tense. Potter seems more prone to outbursts than usual. Dumbledore suspects there is some kind of connection between the two of you." Nagini slithered from the top of his chair to whisper in a language I could not understand. The dark lord laid his head back into the tall chair and considered both myself and Nagini's statements before going on.

"The enemy of my enemy is my friend, isn't that how it goes?"

"I believe so my lord. She is making him susceptible, more than usual he is showing his incompetence."

"How so?"

"Dumbledore tells me he's having nightmares, asked me to make potions to help him with a dreamless sleep if it becomes too much for the boy. He does not hide his anger toward the ministry, thus he is alienating most of his classmates as their parents work for the ministry. There are few who believe his claim regarding the graveyard."

"And what pray tell, has dear old Albus asked you to do for the boy?"

"Occlumency." The room at the present, refracted a green light that was on its way to orange.

"And, have you been teaching the boy?" The walls burned with orange. I saw his hallow pools and how they began to search my mind for answers that weren't coming out of my mouth fast enough. The bright color reflecting in his solid face.

"Yes." There was a quiet moment as the dark lord settled on the thoughts presented to him in my mind. Only what I wanted him to see.

"And…?"

"As I said, the boy is incompetent." If I thought the dark lord could feel any sort of fear I would suspect what little resided in him faded at my confirmation. "All of my lessons go in one thick ear and out the other. He retains nothing and is as vulnerable as ever."

"Well done Severus." He slid a hand over Nagini's head and returned his gaze at me. "What have you learned from his lessons?" The light merged into a blue and filled the entire room.

"He cares very much for Black, his godfather. His mind is riddled with memories of their encounters, little they have been."

"I see, anything else?"

"Nothing worth noting." He seemed satisfied by my answer and chuckled to himself.

"I trust you will keep me abreast should anything change, especially if the boy becomes aware of our…connection."

"Of course my lord."

"Pius maybe an idiot at most things but he did choose a good candidate as a second spy. Or perhaps she exceeded expectations, its sort of hard to tell really."

"Indeed, Miss Vaustali has proven very useful."

"Oh I don't doubt it Severus. Particularly to you." The room became orange once more. I knew what he was suggesting but I still clung to the idea that it was only that. "Never fear, your skill in occlumency is still unmarred, it was her mind I saw into."

"My lord I-"

"Come now Severus, there is nothing to be ashamed of. She's half blood like you, beautiful, skilled with charms and dueling, and utterly devoted to the cause, and you." The sly smirk he wore faded as he mentioned her love for me. Although its highly likely that the dark lord cannot differentiate between obsession and love. But it was clear that it irritated him. "Why didn't you say anything about your…joyous union?" Because _you crazy bastard_, there was nothing to say about it.

"I feared that the implication of our…interactions would reflect poorly on the both of us. Perhaps the idea that our judgment would be impaired."

"Clearly it hasn't, therefore I see no reason to skirt around the subject. Do you have intentions towards her?"

"My lord-"

"I was joking Severus." I forced a small laugh that sounded more like a sigh. "Whilst I was roaming around in her mind I noticed a particular girl kept showing up."

"Ah. Did the pest wear Hufflepuff colors?"

"Is there more than one child following you around? From what Lucius tells me most of the students fear you more than me."

"Only because they do not believe you have once again risen to power." I made it a point for his humor to be lost on me.

"As I recall yes, the girl wore black and yellow. Who is she?"

"Other than an increasingly annoying git? My assistant but aside from potions she has a very dim intellect."

"Ah, I see. Well Severus even I need to rest. Go now back to your phoenix." I bowed before leaving the green lit room. Outside a pack of lesser followers watched me leave, their whispers barely audible. But the snake does not concern itself with the musing of insects.

Christmas passed over without incident. I left Hogwarts uncharacteristically late and returned only a day after the holiday. My presence was noted by the staff, namely Minerva, but thankfully Miss Ryen said nothing about it. I kept my classroom unlocked and supervised as she attempted the blocking potion. I wasn't fond of indulging in her obsessive love but she was alone with no word of her family. As it is, I didn't do much.

Most of the time I sat in silence and made sure she didn't use too much of my rarer ingredients. It seemed to help her. The day before classes resumed we were graced with another appearance of Dolores Umbridge.

"Ahem hem hem hem." The both of us glared at the pink beast, our eyes following her until she reached the space between the table where Miss Ryen sat, and my desk. "Snape-"

"Professor." Miss Ryen snapped, her eyes stayed hard even at Umbridge's ridiculous smile. "Professor Snape."

"You do realize who I work for, don't you dear?"

"You do realize I don't care, he's a professor, his proper title should be addressed."

"Enough Miss Ryen, I don't need you to come to my rescue. Seventy points." I'll tell her later that they are being awarded to her rather than being subtracted. She was normally a docile creature but when pushed she had a dangerous mouth. Umbridge insisted that this conversation she was determined to have with me was in private. I led her into my office and without any of the normal pleasantries I sat myself across from her.

"She should receive detention." Umbridge said in a huff, breaking her façade for a moment but reverting once more.

"What is it you think I can assist you with Dolores?"

"Oddly it does have to do with that wretched girl." A thick folder was dropped on my desk, my eyes moved to it but otherwise I remained still.

"Miss Ryen?"

"My files here say she is of pure blood heritage."

"And…"

"And Dumbledore has refused to tell me where her family is. She's the only one accounted for, there should be four others."

"I thought your blood lust, as it were, only concerned those born from muggles."

"Indeed, however the ministry also likes to know the whereabouts of its pure families. Both her brother and sister are of marrying age and soon she too-"

"The ministry is not seriously suggesting that ridiculous marriage act is it?" Umbridge, now flustered at my apparent and strong disagreement with a law that had been talked to death about but never actually put into motion.

"To preserve our heritage is no ridiculous matter."

"Forcing two people to marry and conceive children under the law is horrid enough but Robin is still a child, sixteen."

"Almost seventeen."

"That isn't the point."

"No, no it isn't. I haven't come here to talk about the possible marriage pact. What I do want to know is what information you have on her family and their whereabouts."

"Dolores…" My voice was steady as always, but there was a fire opening in my throat. "The girl has suffered enough, I will not have you rooting around in her personal affairs. She's being cared for, which I'm sure that is, your utmost concern."

"There are ways…ways I don't want to resort to but I will."

"Oh really, going to brew veritaserum on your own then?"

"Careful Snape. It would be so easy for Cornelius to review your record again, under my recommendation put you on suspension. Just to make sure you're not a de-"

"Careful Umbridge. If that is truly what you believe me to be I would not complete that sentence."

"I'll visit again, soon." I followed her out. Miss Ryen watched from her seat, still brewing.

"What are you smiling about?" I snapped at her, which only served for her to giggle and return to her work. Great, now even raising my voice didn't work on her anymore.

**Dear god, so thats done. Things should be heating up soon in our little tale. Anywhoo I'm super tired and I'm going to dreamland after this post, and as soon as I can come up with a whitty quote...uh lets see...**

**"Pride is not the opposite of shame, but its source. True humility is the only antidote to shame." - Iroh**


	19. It Is Our Choices

**So occasionally I have to like, do other things besides obsess over Alan Rickman and Severus Snape. I know I know, the nerve of some people. But fear not! I have persevered and have brought you the continuation of...this. I keep promising myself I won't make it so angst and what not but I did try very much to keep the humor as well. Right. Well here we are then. Cheerio chaps. **

_**Robin**_

It may seem impossible, but sometimes I forgot how enamoring he could be. Never more obvious than in the quiet moments of my mind. Today in particular he lectured more than usual. Instead of sitting at his desk, I opted to take the last row, where I sat in solitary, watching him. The fourth years whipped their heads down to their notes and then back up to professor Snape. He wrote quickly but also in that time spoke at great length. Even I had trouble keeping up but like me, they too were entranced, fascinated beyond their normal attention spans. 

I recalled that this particular chapter was rather dull when I read it on my own. Yet, his words, his _exquisite_ voice, come rolling out into the open space, echoing off the walls I shut out the world beyond. Strange how I was so focused on what he was saying that I don't actually think I processed anything he said into a real thought. I was hearing him, but I was listening to the heat my body exhorted, it washed over me and my head became dizzy. Thankfully I was sitting and the numbness in my arms from holding my head up had passed long ago as I watched him.

His discussion on acid and bases elicited subtle pleasure I had rarely witnessed. Even the fourth years caught on, surprised that their potions master could actually enjoy something as simple as, teaching. Seeing as how they were so silent, and so attentive, their minds engaged in the one sided conversation. Tragic that all of the classes weren't like this. It may seem impossible, but sometimes I forgot how cruel he could be.

"And if our resident Hufflepuff would actually pay attention she'd be giving you the homework due next week." My mind clicked open when I heard Hufflepuff. "Miss Ryen would you care to do your job or do you fancy joining your fellow classmates next year with no aspirations beyond slacking off in the summer?"

"I..I..sorry I was-"

"Clearly I haven't given you enough to do, to remedy your laziness perhaps you'd be able to recite Tremedor's equation…from…memory."

"The application of the equation-"

"I did not ask for its application Miss Ryen, shall we try again?" I swallowed, I glanced down at the floor trying to collect my thoughts and form them into a smooth sentence that would please him. I took too long. "Very well. Along with this week's assignment I leave it to you hold a study session regarding Tremedor's equation so that they may be successful on a surprise exam given at my leisure. Now…proceed."

Needless to say, the fourth years were not happy with me. Although I tried to reassure them once professor Snape had left, that it was likely I would write the exam and would try to make it easier for them. Sadly Myrtle had been no comfort either when I came to her that evening.

"What a rotten git." She sneered as I finished my story.

"Its true, he hasn't been that mean to me in sometime. Maybe I'm getting too close."

"Doesn't he know your family is a wreck right now? The order hasn't even given you any news about them, and here he is throwing out useless punishments. He's a bully he is." I couldn't argue with my incorporeal friend. But I knew he had kindness inside, perhaps he was just stressed. The ministry wasn't letting up on their interrogations and I had noticed him brewing a copious amount veritaserum. For Umbridge no doubt.

As it so happened I did end up writing the surprise exam for the fourth years. Professor Snape didn't ask to preview the exam which told me that his punishment was all for show and perhaps teaching me a lesson in awareness. What foolish, dreamy expression did I have plastered over my face before he dragged me back to reality.

The news of the Azkaban break out did little for the quickly depleting morale at Hogwarts. On top of that Umbridge was now the headmistress. While I didn't have OWLS of my own I felt it my duty to help my fellow army mates with what else, potions. Seemed that's all I was good for these days. A friendlier version of a text book. While Hermione was much the same she excelled in all areas of magic, and she had friends, a family to write home to. Not a tear spotted letter that flies off into the night without knowing if it actually reached its destination.

"What will happen if he comes back to power?" Even though my voice was muffled by my head pressed face first into the desk, it did not merit repeating.

"It is best not to think about things you have no control over, Miss Ryen." It was Saturday and I had nothing better to do than hover over professor Snape as he continued supplying Umbridge with veritaserum.

"Maybe I don't have control over it but it effects me too."

"Effects us all." He said dryly. "But if it will settle your nerves." He stood up and set the cauldron to self stir. He moved to the other side of his desk, leaning back on it with his arms folded. I lifted my head, but only so that my chin rested on the desk. "A lot of death. Muggle borns, blood traitors the like. Fear and uncertainty will become a natural part of life when exchanged with happiness and security. For those with…gray loyalties, like your family, will be forced to marry and breed as much pureblood children as possible. Most likely Hogwarts will become a very militant state. Now…don't you feel better?" He sneered down at me.

"Never one to sugar coat it are you sir? Will I still be able to work with you…?"

"I am certain the dark lord has plans for me, I will carry them out as needed." I opened my mouth to say something but his words came before mine. "Survival, Miss Ryen. It is ingrained in a Slytherin's bones and thus I can see how it is a foreign idea for someone such as yourself. Its not ideal but if you put it in the forefront of your mind you will live through this. You have your blood status on your side."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" I sat up straight, gripping the table for strength. "Watching my classmates die or imprisoned because of their…blood? But I get to live, I get the chance to marry someone, to produce loveless children all to be drones in a society that breeds hate and ignorance, but I get to live?"

"And why should you care? They use you, all of them. You may not have caught on but any time there is an exam in my class you become increasingly more popular. And not just your own year or even house, all of them know you have a talent for the art and they use that to scrape by on whatever help you give them." I felt the hot sting of tears boiling in my eyes, ready to drop.

"So what? There are, more important things than schoolwork."

"It starts here, but people like Potter, in particular only latch onto those who can further advance him. They get used to other people's help, so much so that you're not even a person, just a title. A Slytherin, a death eater, evil teacher, potions professor, traitor…"

"But you're not…"

"It is likely that the dark lord will come to power again, as such I will have to take part in his…regime. You must decide where you want to be. On the side of the morally tortured but very much alive, or the glorious dead. I can tell you this Miss Ryen, there is…no…glory…in…death."

"Is that why Vaustali chose?" My voice trembled but still made itself heard.

"That is another matter. I don't want you to choose because of me or your family for that matter. Robin I want you to choose for yourself. In the long run you will not have to answer to them or me, but to yourself."

It was quiet for a long time. The whole time I just stared into him. Hoping some shard of wisdom would present itself to me in his eyes. Nothing. Somehow, my legs got me out of the classroom and up to my dorm. The common room was full of open books and exasperated sighs but no one except me was downstairs. I flopped on my bed face down and from my side table took out the book Lena had given me for Christmas a couple of years ago. I cradled it to my chest until my eyes fell closed.

It was dark when I woke. I slithered out of bed to see the time and realized I'd slept for almost twenty hours. Early Sunday morning. The talk professor Snape and I had before sleeping the better part of my weekend away came echoing back. The thought and stress of it all must have what made me so tired. As luck would have it, an familiar owl came swooping into the common room where I now laid out stretched on the couch. I sat up as the black feathered beast perched on the arm of the sofa where my feet rested.

"Chessa." I mumbled, my family owl gave a low squeak and looked quite pleased when I reached out and patted her. She dropped a letter in my lap and once it was safely in my hand she hopped over to the warm fire. Spreading out her wings and shaking loose all the debris she'd caught in her travel. "Silly bird."

_ Sparrow_

_ Clear skies so far, Romania is also doing well this time of the year, sorry if it's a bit rainy where you are. Our green friend tells us you're doing alright. We've heard all of your songs and are terribly sorry we can't sing along, so we sent you Chessa to keep your spirit up. I'm sure if you sing to her, she'll be sure to share it with us. _

_ -Phoenix _

"Chessa." I held out my arm. She cocked her head to the side and cawed. "Come on you bloodly bird!" I stretched my arm out further. She waddled over to me and finally leaped up to my shoulder. "OW!" her talons settled as she got comfortable and I made my way to see professor Snape. My closed fist came crashing down on his door. "Professor!" I called. Again I slammed harder on the solid wood obstructing my answers. Before the third attempt the door swung open and startled Chessa who had been dozing since I'd stopped running. Her wings flared up and she flew right into his quarters.

"No please come in, I wasn't sleeping or anything." His wit and sarcasm were terribly weak this early but I did duck under the arm holding the door open. "That bird better not make a mess." Chessa squawked at professor Snape and nestled herself back on my shoulder. Thankfully she was a small owl.

"How long have you been writing to my family?!" I shoved the letter into his hands and after a moment of his eyes adjusting he tossed it back to me.

"It wasn't safe for them to write back to you. Umbridge intercepts all student's owls, especially ones leaving Hogwarts. That particular menace perched on your shoulder, escaped the ministry and Umbridge's notice. She's small unlike the other owls who normally do postal work."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I am not obligated to tell you everything that goes on. You have some liberties with me Miss Ryen but certainly not all."

"Sorry sir…" He sighed and poured himself some tea, leaving the pot and a cup on the table for me. "So, they're alright?"

"In a manner of speaking, yes. They worry of course." I clutched the letter, folded and jammed it into my pocket.

"Will I see them this summer?"

"That has yet to be determined. There is a safe house the belongs to one of the order members but I would highly recommend Malfoy manner before staying there longer than you have to."

"Why is that?" Chessa mimicked my confusion with another twist of her head to the right.

"Never mind. It has been presented as a complication though. Myself and Dumbledore are working on a solution."

"I could stay at my family's home. They wouldn't be there but…"

"Absolutely not."

"But by then I won't have the trace on me."

"Your family is in hiding, do you really think it's a good idea to spend the summer where death eaters and the ministry would first come looking for you?" I frowned and sat further into the chair. Annoyed that I was moving so much, my owl hopped down onto my lap and made herself a nest in my sweats.

"So I'll stay at Hogwarts."

"No."

"Well then wha-" his expression turned into one I had been so very acquainted with. "You don't mean…" My heart accelerated and raced up into my throat where I could hardly breathe through the excitement of this revelation.

"Are you alright Miss Ryen or shall I fetch water to splash you out of your stupor?"

"I get to stay…with you…all…summer?"

"No." I frowned again and wrenched my mouth in disappointment. "Not, all summer."

"Consolation prize! I'll take it!"

"Miss Ryen I don't think you understand the seriousness of the circumstances we are in." It didn't matter, I wasn't even listening anymore. As my mind worked a million miles a minute I felt comfort that I now had a memory for my patronus.

**Oh snpitty snap! Next chapter should be a bit more light hearted considering the return of Professor Vaustali. I mean we know how much her and Robin get along. Hey this quote should be familiar to ya; till next time. **

**"Its not our abilities that show what we truly are, its our choices." -Albus Dumbledore**


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